The Dating Game
by Kyarorain
Summary: It's the Dating Game, Golden Sun style. One unfortunate guest must pick from one of three contestants to date without knowing who they are.
1. Chapter 1

**The Dating Game**

Who doesn't know about dating games? Those cheesy reality shows where people get to blindly choose someone to ride off into the sunset with... anyway, I wrote something up a while back, but took my time in deciding if I should place it on the site or not. Well, now I'm uploading it, and it's somewhat cleaner than its previous version. Just a bit. It's still rampant with crack and sick humour. Anyway, I hope you enjoy.

For the record, Camelot owns Golden Sun, not me, and I did not invent the concept of dating games either.

* * *

Alex stood in the left wing of the stage, listening to the impatient cries of the audience as they shouted for the show to begin. He quickly whipped out a hand mirror from his pocket and checked his hair. It was important to have great hair, especially since they were going to be filmed for the first episode of something called the Dating Game. The concept was simple enough and just cheesy enough to have a wide attraction. Naturally, Alex expected everything to fall through by the end of the episode. How could something like this possibly be expected to last?

"Cameras are about to roll," a camera technician shouted. "In five seconds!"

In five seconds, the cameras had started rolling and the audience were now screaming so loudly that Alex had his hands over his ears. An attendant walked over and smacked him, telling him to go and walk onto the stage. Alex scowled at the attendant, sorely tempted to give him a taste of his Psynergy. The only reason he was hosting this dumb show was because the Wise One had threatened him into it. Perhaps it was just a way to keep an eye on Alex in case he did something productive instead, like going after Isaac for the rest of the Golden Sun.

Alex walked onto the stage, flashing an utterly fake smile at the audience as he came to stand in front of them. Someone immediately threw an orange peel at him. Alex nimbly ducked, understanding that he had enemies in the audience. Scarily enough, he seemed to have some fangirls too. Alex shuffled his papers and drew in a deep breath, preparing to launch his speech. He tried not to think about the blinding spotlight in his eyes or the fact that people were waving annoying banners. "YOU ARE EVIL," one banner proclaimed. "ALEX IS HOT!" said another banner. It was quite confusing and strange.

"Welcome to the Golden Sun Dating Game," Alex said calmly, reading off the papers in front of him. "As you may know, the concept behind this show is that we get two unfortunate people in here. These people are forced to pick from three unknown people behind the screen. They will not have any idea who the three are, because of a special voice changing system that we have. That simply adds to the fun of it, because you never know who you're picking. I would like to say that we only pick the victims who have to pick one of them, we have little control over the contestants. We don't choose them, so don't complain."

The audience promptly booed. Alex stared at them. Were they simply trying to argue with him? He sighed and shook his head in disgust, before remembering he was supposed to ignore the audience. A can of hairgel promptly smacked him square in the forehead. Alex bit his lip and turned away, unaware that as he ignored the gift, a fangirl's heart was being broken. Alex walked toward the first contestant, the unfortunate one having to pick one of three.

"And now our unlucky first contestant who gets to pick a date," Alex declared, gesturing at the red-haired girl sitting in a chair. "Jenna from Vale!"

"Valeshipping!" several people in the audience screamed. The cry was immediately contested by "Mudshipping!" It promptly escalated into a furious row as people lunged at each other across the rows of chairs and started punching each other. Alex sighed in irritation. Some people just couldn't handle shipping differences. Fortunately, several security guards rushed in and grabbed the angry shippers, dragging them kicking and screaming out of the studio.

"But I like Garet." Jenna pouted, staring up at Alex with wide eyes. She wasn't really sure why she was here, someone had just dragged her to this studio and told her she could get a lot of cash and a surprise if she was a good girl and she did as she was told. And now it seemed that the villainous, yet rather hot, Alex was up to something again. That had to be it, right?

Flameshippers cheered at Jenna's statement. This promptly led to booing Steamshippers. Fortunately, this disagreement did not escalate into a shipping war.

"Please refrain from saying anything about relationships," Alex whispered into her ear, realising how ironic that sounded on a dating gameshow. But the audience was volatile! They could easily explode at any given moment!

Jenna sighed and looked away, seeming slightly displeased with her situation. She stared at the audience then looked back up at Alex with a petulant expression. "Do I have to?"

"Yes," Alex answered, feeling more than a little irritated. Jenna was just wasting time with her silly arguing. He wanted nothing more than to get this over with and then he could go home, have a nice cup of tea and plot world domination.

"Okay," Jenna said, nodding in understanding. She just had to pick a date despite her feelings for Garet. Sounded simple enough to her. And then she would explain everything to him afterwards and give him a lot of cookies. He loved her mom's cookies. "So, can I pick you?"

If only it was that simple. Alex sighed patiently and shook his head. "No, I'm afraid you can't."

"But why?" Jenna demanded peevishly. So what if Alex was plotting to take over the world and had designs on harming Isaac? He was still hot! And hadn't he just said she had to pick a date?

Alex wearily pointed to the screen that was positioned in the middle of the stage, blocking Jenna's view of the other contestants. "You have to pick one of the three people who are on the other side of the screen!"

"Oh, I see," Jenna said in realisation, nodding emphatically. "So, who are they?"

"I can't tell you!" Alex exclaimed in frustration. "Sheesh!"

Jenna frowned, her forehead furrowed with angry lines. What was he yelling at her like that for? It wasn't her fault that she didn't understand a thing. "Who do you think you are, snapping at me like that?" Jenna demanded, rising from her seat and clenching her fists.

"Look," Alex said quickly, gently pushing her back down in her seat and brandishing a card at her before she could maim him. "Just take this card, okay?"

Jenna gritted her teeth and glared at the card in her hands, shooting a fiery gaze at him. "I'll get you later, Alex!"

Alex walked away, promptly slipping an Ibuprofen tablet into his mouth. He called up his Psynergy to wash it down and sighed. Already he was beginning to feel a dull throb in his temples. Why couldn't someone at least have taken the time to brief Jenna? Alex walked around the screen and approached the row of contestants, quite curious about who had lined up in the hopes of getting a date with the girl of their dreams. It had already become common knowledge that Jenna was the first contestant, so while Jenna had no clue who was behind the screen, it was quite likely the three people here were just here because they wanted Jenna, not some anonymous girl. There had been an obvious leak of information, but the studio was keeping this quiet.

"And now, our first out of three," Alex said, approaching the first chair. He stopped and stared at the occupant of the seat. "Felix, what the hell are you doing here?" Alex exclaimed.

"This is a terrible sham of a game and a waste of money!" Felix glared at him. "I don't approve of my sister being forced into getting a potentially awful date either, so I took up a spot just in case. In case... you know, some creep got here instead."

Alex sighed and kneaded his temples. Evidently, Felix was overreacting as usual. His protective tendencies could make him do that. "Look, Felix, it's just one freaking date. That is all. We aren't going to make her marry them or anything."

"Anything could happen to her!" Felix protested. "What if she got abducted or... admitted into a cult or..."

"That's enough, Felix," Alex cut him off. He turned to the audience and smiled fakely. "Felix from Vale, everyone!"

Instead of cheering, the audience just muttered in annoyance and glared at the sulky Venus Adept. He was ruining the show for them! Felix winced as he realised he was getting glared at and looked away sheepishly, hoping that he wasn't going to get hurt afterwards.

Alex drew in a sharp breath and proceeded to the second chair, where he looked down at the occupant. "Number two, Kraden!" Alex suddenly choked and stared at the old sage sitting in the chair. "K...Kraden?" Alex said incredulously. This old man actually wanted to go on a date with Jenna? He was way out of her league!

Kraden looked innocently at him and shrugged. "Age is meaningless! Why shouldn't we be together?"

Alex finally snapped. He threw the papers on the floor and yelled in disgust, "That's it. I QUIT!" Before anybody could even attempt to stop him, Alex was running and screaming off the stage.

The audience sat and stared in consternation, wondering what was going to happen now. Some of them grumbled and stirred in their seats. They had paid a lot and some had come a long way to see this, they wouldn't be very impressed if it wasn't worth it after all.

"I don't think he's coming back," Felix said finally, feeling just a little relieved. Then he saw some murderous faces in the audience and realised that it could potentially be a bad thing. Angering the audience was not something you did lightly.

"Oh? Does that mean I win?" Kraden asked hopefully.

Felix stared at him in disgust then sighed, getting to his feet. He walked over and picked up Alex's papers, rearranging them into a neat pile. "No, it's okay, I'll continue for him. Now we have number three..." Felix looked at the occupant of the third seat and cried out incredulously, _"The Mayor of Alhafra?"_ The traumatised Venus Adept cried out and stomped back to his seat, flinging himself into it and proceeding to cry some more. "I knew it was some horrible sham!"

The audience was not so amused at Felix's reluctance to continue. They booed and jeered. Then tomato cans went flying onto the stage. Why they had tomato cans with them, the reason was unknown.

A tomato can struck Felix squarely on the head. "Ow!" he wailed. "Look, I'm not continuing this stupid game! I'm not letting Jenna run the risk of being stuck with an old man or an ugly ass pompous obnoxious git!"

"We want the game!" the audience chanted menacingly. "We want the game!"

Jenna sighed impatiently and squirmed in her seat. She wasn't even sure what was going on on the other side of the screen, but she was bored and she just wanted to ask the questions already. "Can I ask the questions yet?" Jenna cried out, hoping for an answer.

"No!" Felix yelled at the screen.

"Yes!" the audience boomed, not willing to wait any longer.

"Yay!" Jenna cheered, holding up the card with questions printed on it. Some of the questions were a little odd and they didn't even seem to follow a theme. "Okay! Guy Number One, what romantic song would you pick if we were on a date?"

At this point, Felix was barely listening as he was sinking into a traumatised state. Right now, he was rocking back and forth in the chair and singing nursery rhymes to himself in a desperate attempt to comfort himself. _"Twinkle twinkle little star..."_

Jenna blinked and shook her head in surprise, one eyebrow raised as she heard the response. "Uh, okay," Jenna said slowly, as the audience laughed uproariously. She looked at the next question and blinked. "Wow, who came up with these questions?" Her cheeks burning a bit, she drew in a sharp breath and burst out, "Guy Number Two, how long is your... wang?"

The audience gasped in shock as they heard the extremely rude and personal question. Several protective parents clamped their hands over their kids' ears as they innocently asked what wangs were.

"Oh, it's very long! See?" Kraden declared, jumping up and flashing the audience. The audience groaned in horror and disgust and several people fainted from the shock. A security guard promptly walked up, shoved Kraden into his seat and gave him a dire warning never to do that again. Kraden nodded and looked down, pretending to be very ashamed.

"Wow... I might like this guy!" Jenna exclaimed, giggling. Then she realised she'd said it out loud and blushed. "Um, anyway... Guy Number Three, are you easy to get along with?"

The Alhafran Mayor puffed up his chest and promptly lied, "Yes. I am in fact very easygoing and am an extremely popular person." Felix shot a nasty glare at the Alhafran Mayor, wondering if he could get away with impaling him.

The audience booed and yelled angrily. Everyone knew that the Alhafran Mayor was one of the most annoying people in the game and simply, a rotten jerk. A very furious person in the audience stood up and aimed a firearm squarely at the mayor.

"Take this, you lying bastard!" the furious person yelled. Several shots ricocheted across the stage, bullets burying themselves in the Alhafran Mayor's chest. The security team, who had been standing by calmly even as the person was holding up the gun, walked up to him and praised him before escorting him from the studio.

"Augh! I have been slain!" the Alhafran Mayor cried, staggering from his seat and stumbling forward. Absolutely nobody bothered to rush to his aid, so he promptly fell over and died right on the stage.

"Guy Number Three?" Jenna called out, as she recovered from the surprise. "Are you still alive?"

"No, he isn't!" Kraden answered.

"Oh, so there's only Guy Number One and Guy Number Two left!" Jenna exclaimed. "You know what? These questions suck!" She flung the card to the floor and burned it. "I am going to ask my own damn questions!"

"I'm scared," Felix whimpered. Jenna acting of her own will could not be a good thing. Not at all.

"She is totally going to pick me," Kraden said, smirking. "I am totally irresistible."

"Number One!" Jenna shouted. "Do you fear overprotective older brothers?"

Felix stared at the screen in silence, not sure how to answer that. Was that meant to be a direct hit at him? Maybe taking up a spot for a date _was_ pushing it... but if he hadn't taken it, goodness only knew who might have instead. And the other two choices weren't particularly good either. Especially the third one now. The body was still lying there in a pool of blood. Felix tried not to think about the body and came up with his answer, "Um, no!"

"Score!" Jenna yelled, impressed with the answer. Felix smacked his head and swore. He didn't particularly want to be picked. "Number two, do you have any underwear fetishes?"

"I wear none!" Kraden declared. "Commando for the win!" The audience shot sullen glares at him, eyes still burning from the terrible memory that had scorched itself into their retinas.

"I feel sick," Felix moaned, swallowing heavily.

"Number One!" Jenna exclaimed. Asking her own questions was fun. Maybe a dirty question or two wouldn't hurt, the audience seemed quite fun to shock and Guy Number One seemed to be a neurotic headcase. It would be fun to make him freak out, though her reputation might get hurt in the process, but at least she was having fun! "Would you give me sex whenever I wanted it, any time of the day or night?"

"Hell, _NO!_" Felix screamed. Was she asking ridiculous questions like that on purpose now? She was, wasn't she?

"Oh well," Jenna said, pretending to look disappointed. "There's always bondage!"

The audience just looked sullenly at her. Jenna's sick humour was not amusing them in the least. And wouldn't she at least think of the children?

"Oh help! She wants to put me in bondage?" Felix whimpered, clutching his head. He just had to remind himself Jenna was not being serious, not at all.

"Number two," Jenna called out, glaring at the audience. Why wouldn't they at least act a little more enthusiastic? Maybe if she just made her questions a little dirtier, or was that the problem? "Could we do foreplay and BDSM?"

"Hell, YES! Anything!" Kraden declared.

The audience groaned in disgust and Felix contemplated shoving a bar of soap into Jenna's mouth.

"What's wrong, audience?" Jenna looked disappointed. "Don't you like my questions?"

**"NO!"** the audience declared vehemently, glaring daggers at her.

"Aww," Jenna sighed. "Well, maybe I should stop wasting your time and pick someone now."

Before Jenna could make a decision, Alex warped in nearby, startling some of the audience. Some of them cheered as he returned, some of them booed instead. Alex quickly rushed over to Jenna. "For the love of Sol, Jenna! Don't pick anyone! Just pick me instead!" He couldn't stand the idea of Jenna dating _Kraden_. She didn't deserve that at all. And Felix would run a mile before anyone could even try and make them go anywhere.

"But you said I couldn't pick you," Jenna said, looking at him in confusion.

"I changed my mind," Alex replied.

Jenna looked away peevishly. She was still annoyed at Alex for yelling at her. "Well, you're a poopiepants and I'm not listening to you. I pick... Number One!"

How fun it would be to go on a date with a guy she scared the living hell out of? Very!

"Damn it!" Felix exclaimed.

"Great," Alex said wearily, walking to the screen. "Let's see who you rejected. Kraden, come here."

Kraden came over to the other side of the stage, crying bitterly.

"You rejected number two, Kraden of... er, Tolbi," Alex declared, gesturing at the distraught old man.

"Ew!" Jenna exclaimed, leaping from her chair. She couldn't believe Kraden had tried to go on a date with her, and he'd been very enthusiastic when she asked that particular dirty question. "You dirty old man!" Jenna shouted angrily. "**FLARE STORM**!"

"Owwww!" Kraden yelled, crying some more as he ran from the stage, smoking and burned in several places.

Alex walked over to the row of chairs and bodily lifted the body of the Alhafran Mayor, which he dragged back over to Jenna's side of the stage. "You also rejected number three, the Mayor of Alhafra." He wrinkled his nose and flung the dead body at the audience.

"Eurgh!" the audience cried in disgust as they scrambled away from the corpse.

"So, who's Number One?" Jenna asked excitedly.

Alex walked to the screen and pushed a lever, which caused it to come down, revealing the three chairs. Felix was still cowering in his original spot. "Felix, come over here."

"No!" Felix shouted.

Alex sighed and walked over, bodily lifting him and dragging him over to the other side of the stage even as he kicked and screamed.

Jenna blinked and stared as Alex dropped Felix in a heap at his feet. "What? Now I have to go on a date with my brother?" No wonder he had sounded so neurotic.

"Well," Alex said, quickly reclaiming his papers which Felix had been destroying the whole time. He smoothed them out and continued speaking. "According to the rules, you have to go on a date with the guy you pick. Otherwise, you lose money and you won't get... a vacation!" He pulled three envelopes out of his pocket and waved them suggestively.

"Damn you, Alex!" Felix yelled. He thought this was funny, didn't he?

"So we have to go on vacation to a secret location?" Jenna asked.

"Pick an envelope," Alex said, holding them out and smiling. She wouldn't know what was in them, the prize was completely random.

"Um," Jenna said, frowning as she looked between them. They were all so tempting! Which one should she pick? It was such a difficult choice!

"Just don't pick one!" Felix yelled, getting to his feet.

"But I want my vacation!" Jenna argued, snatching one out of Alex's hand. She quickly opened it and read the card inside it. "All expenses paid trip to... the Lamakan Desert?"

"Congratulations," Alex said, smirking. So she'd picked the booby prize envelope. "That's right, audience," he said, smiling at the rows of sullen, unimpressed faces. "Felix and Jenna are going on a date to the Lamakan Desert!" This was amusing as hell and watching Felix squirm made it all so much better.

"No fucking way!" Felix yelled. He promptly ran screaming off the stage.

Jenna silently handed back the envelope and frowned. If the person she picked ran off, did she get to have a different guy instead? "Can I have Kraden then?"

"I fucking quit again!" Alex yelled, throwing down the papers and envelopes in disgust. Much to Jenna's surprise, he warped back out.

"Is the game over?" Jenna asked, looking very confused as she turned to look at the audience. Several people promptly burst into tears and other people booed angrily. "No, it's not, right? There's still Part 2 to come, and I, Jenna, will be the hostess! Since Alex quit... be back soon!" She promptly ran off the stage to make arrangements with the crew and to sort the next part of the show out.

After a leisurely commercial break, Jenna walked back onto the stage. The new contestants were already seated, she just had to start the next part of the game. She nervously fumbled with her papers and smiled at the cameras. "Well, I present to you the second part of the Dating Game! This time, a lucky guy gets to pick three girls!"

Jenna walked over to the contestant chair where the 'lucky' guy was sitting. She stopped and stared in shock. "Lord Babi of Tolbi?"

Babi stared up at her from his vantage position in a wheelchair. Several attendants surrounded him, feeding him with fluids through a tube. His flesh was a sickly colour and emitted a rather pungent smell that had already made several people run from the studio in disgust. His rheumy eyes rolled around in their sockets before refocusing on her with some difficulty.

"Rumours... of my... death... were greatly... exaggerated..." Babi rasped with a considerable effort. He followed it up with a rattling cough that shook his ribcages.

"Actually," Iodem said, standing next to Babi as he explained to Jenna, "Babi was dead. However, we were able to track down an evil sorcerer who brought him back from the dead."

"Uh, I see," Jenna said slowly, blinking in consternation. "Got it."

"I... want... a beautiful young... girl..." Babi moaned, clenching a pale hand in a fist. Thick, blue veins bulged through the surface of his paper thin and mottled skin.

"Um..." Jenna squinted suspiciously at him. "Is that why you kidnapped Sheba?" Sure, there was that building a lighthouse thing, but there were other ways he could have forced the Laliverans to carry out their task.

Babi simply made heart eyes and sighed, his tongue lolling out over one side of his jaw. It promptly fell out and went splat onto his lap. An attendant hurriedly snatched it back up and re-stitched his tongue together.

"You sick, vile man!" Jenna yelled in disgust, as the audience booed and yelled. A grape smacked Babi on the head and he winced. That was going to leave a bruise.

"Please do not question our beloved Lord Babi's motives," Iodem requested, as he shielded Babi from flying projectiles.

Jenna sighed and walked over to the screen, wishing she had some Ibuprofen on hand. Why couldn't Alex have left some for her? She approached the chairs where the female contestants sat.

In the first chair, Mia sat, smiling in excitement. "Contestant one," Jenna declared, "Mia of Imil!"

"Hi!" Mia said cheerfully, waving at the audience.

"Good luck, Mia," Jenna said, hiding her sarcasm, as she walked over to the second chair. "Contestant two, Layana of Kalay. Wait, aren't you married to Hammet?"

"Actually, I've been cheating on him," Layana replied, tossing back her scarlet curls. "You know when Dodonpa kidnapped Hammet? I asked him to." The audience gasped in shock. "Dodonpa is good in bed too." The audience promptly shuddered.

"That's... nice," Jenna lied, a bead of sweat rolling down her head. "And now, Contestant three... Obaba of Champa."

"We old ones can make some good loving too, you know," Obaba said, winking.

Jenna shuddered and quickly walked back to Babi's side of the stage. "Okay, Lord Babi, go ahead and ask your questions." Babi hadn't even been given a question card. Jenna believed anybody should have the freedom to ask whatever questions they wanted to, not have a piece of cardboard tell them what to do.

"This question... is for everyone..." Babi rasped. "How old are you?"

Jenna frowned. Surely that was against the rules?

"I am seventeen," Mia answered, a little taken aback at the slow, raspy quality of the voice.

"How rude!" Layana exclaimed. "But since you can't see me... well, okay, I'm... somewhere in my thirties. On the lower end, of course." She looked around shiftily. Good, they believed her then.

"I am over seventy!" Obaba declared.

"I pick... Number One!" Babi said with an effort.

Jenna fumed, as the audience booed and yelled. A riot promptly broke out. He was supposed to have asked several questions to each individual, not just one stinking question to all of them! And now the audience had lost it. "Oh dear," Jenna said, as a fire broke out. She bit her lip and walked to the screen. "You rejected Number Two, Layana of Kalay!"

"Darn it!" Layana exclaimed huffily, stomping off the stage. "Guess I'm stuck with Ham_fat_."

"You also rejected Number Three," Jenna said, "Obaba of Champa!"

"Meh," Obaba said dismissively, following Layana off the stage.

"Hey, Jenna, who's the guy anyway?" Mia asked as she walked to the screen.

"Oh, you didn't know?" Jenna looked at her in surprise. Maybe she should have told her. Well, too late for that now.

"Um... no?" Mia said in a small voice.

"Heh heh." Jenna laughed nervously, pushing the lever. The screen came down. "Lord Babi of Tolbi, you chose Number One, Mia of Imil!"

"Ohh yes!" Babi cried out, making heart eyes. "Come here, you beautiful young girl, you!"

"He's got his energy back," Iodem commented, looking in surprise at Babi.

Babi promptly leaped out of his wheelchair and ran at the startled Mia.

"**AUGH!**" Mia shrieked, casting Ice Missile on Babi.

"_Gack_!" Babi collapsed and died.

"Nooooooo!" Iodem screamed.

"Eh, here's another corpse for you, audience," Jenna said, throwing Babi's frail body at them.

Iodem sobbed piteously and fell to the floor in a distraught heap.

"I feel so cheated!" Mia yelled.

"Yeah, well, the audience's a little angry right now," Jenna said, gesturing at the rioting audience. "Let's just run for it."

Jenna and Mia ran for it as several angry audience members came streaming onto the stage, undaunted by security guards, as they descended on the Tolbians with several heavy weapons.


	2. Chapter 2

**The Dating Game**

Well, last chapter was certainly interesting. I assure you, this chapter is going to be just as messed up as the last one was. So prepare yourselves for even more crack humour and stuff.

Camelot owns Golden Sun of course and if I'd invented the concept of dating game shows, I would have shot myself a long time ago.

* * *

Garet sat on a chair in the left wing of the stage, hungrily munching on a donut as the crew rushed around getting the show ready. The audience were already piling in. Goodness only knew why they came back for this cheesy show or why it even got to have a second episode. For that matter, why did Garet have to host this episode when Alex was supposed to do it?

Apparently, the Wise One wanted Alex to host this episode as well, _without quitting half-way through_, but this time Alex had called in sick and disappeared. Garet moodily finished the donut, feeling quite enraged toward the Mercury Adept. He could have quite happily been sitting down and watching the show while eating, but _no!_ The Wise One had called him in to host the episode in Alex's place.

"Why can't Jenna do it?" Garet had asked. "She did it when Alex quit!"

"Because Jenna, to put it quite simply, sucks at it," the Wise One had replied. "Now get on that stage and do the show or else I'll sick a dragon on you. I am not kidding."

Garet shivered at the thought of a dragon being sicked on him. Was the Wise One being serious? Then again, that floating rock did seem to have some kind of obsession with turning people into dragons. As the call came out for cameras to begin rolling, Garet quickly wiped his face on his sleeve and picked up a sheet of papers. As the audience began cheering, Garet walked onto the stage and faced the audience.

Immediately, the audience stopped cheering and stared at him.

"Hello, welcome to a new episode of-" Garet began, reading off the papers.

"Boo!" The audience began yelling. Garet broke off as they began hurling insults at him.

"You're an idiot!"

"You suck for not letting Isaac out of Lalivero!"

"Where is Alex? We want Alex!"

A smushed up fairy cake flew over Garet's shoulder and he backed away as food came flying at him. "Stop that!" Garet yelled. "You're wasting decent food! You food killers!" He swallowed the lump in his throat and promised himself he could mourn the wasted food later. "Hello and welcome to a new episode of the Golden Sun Dating Game! Today, you get to see two different people picking someone from an anonymous group of three to date. They will have no idea who they are picking because of our sophisticated voice changing system! And... yeah. Let's move on to the contestants now."

Garet turned his back toward the audience and walked toward the first contestant sitting in a chair. For a moment, he wondered which unfortunate girl was having to sit in the chair and pick from an unpredictable group this time. Then he lowered the papers and stared at the person sitting in the chair. Garet opened his mouth to speak, but no words came.

"What's the matter, Garet?" the old woman said, smiling as she looked deviously at him from her place in the chair. "Keep going, you're doing a great job."

"G-grandmother?" Garet spluttered. "What ARE you doing there?"

"Well, your grandfather's in a coma at the moment, you know," Garet's grandmother said regretfully, shaking her head sadly. The Mayor of Vale had choked on a large scoop of ice-cream when Garet's little brother, Aaron, had found some porn and walked up to him with it, then very innocently asked him whose it was. Fortunately for Garet, nobody knew the porn belonged to him yet. Anyway, the Mayor had been comatose for a week now and showed no signs of waking up. "So I thought I would have a little fun here while he's out of commission."

"You have got to be kidding me," Garet moaned, slapping his forehead. The audience joined in with their raucous displeasure at Garet's grandmother being the one on stage. She didn't even have a name! "Look, Grandmother, I don't think... oh, forget it. Let's just go and see the other contestants who are... trying to date my grandmother." Garet shuddered in revulsion at the very idea and mentally cursed Aaron for finding his hidden porn as he walked to the other side of the stage.

"You forgot to give her the questions card!" an attendant yelled. Garet winced and stomped back over to throw the card at his grandmother before returning to the right side of the stage. Maybe he would just stay here behind the screen and pretend his grandmother was not really there, cheating behind her comatose husband's back.

"Now for the three people vying for my grandmother's heart, temporarily at any rate," Garet said sourly, not even bothering to try and smile. Honestly, he didn't even feel like smiling. He wanted to set fire to everything and run away screaming. But he just had to remind himself Alex got further than this and swore he was going to do better than that jerk. Garet was no quitter! "Number one is... Kraden."

"Hey, Garet," Kraden said, smirking. "I can't wait to see who the lucky girl is on the other side of the screen. But no matter how young and beautiful they are, nobody beats Jenna." His smirk grew until it looked positively devious. Garet shuddered and resisted the urge to punch Kraden in the face.

"Yes, Kraden," Garet said sarcastically. "Of course a girl is waiting for you on the other side of the screen." He wasn't going to tell Kraden it was actually his grandmother. That would teach him if he did get picked. "And you stay away from Jenna, do you hear me?"

"Oh, believe me, Jenna won't let me go near her," Kraden sighed, looking truly disappointed. "So I just came up here again in the hope that I would be luckier. Who knows? The girl might like me this time."

"Yeah, sure," Garet muttered, moving on. "And now for Number Two... Ivan?" Garet stared at him. "Wow, Ivan, I didn't know that you were looking for that special girl!"

Ivan was curled up in a sad little heap, looking at Garet with purple eyes full of misery. "I... I didn't want to be here..." Ivan sniffed. "I was looking for the cappuccino machine... and someone grabbed me from behind... and knocked me out. When I awoke, I was up here... and they wouldn't let me go... I don't want to be here, Garet!"

"Well, Ivan, you'd better hope you aren't picked," Garet said tentatively. "Because I don't think you want to go out with this one."

"Really?" Ivan swallowed, looking scared. "Who is it?"

Garet paused, thinking about whether he should just tell him. Identities were meant to be a secret. Nobody was supposed to know who was on either side of the stage. The first episode had just had problems with leaked information. But Ivan was a victim here and Garet didn't really like the idea of Ivan dating his grandmother. Garet leaned over and whispered into Ivan's ear. Ivan's eyes widened in horror and he shrank.

"Just be careful," Garet said. "Answer all the questions with the worst things you can think of. Don't let her pick you. Good luck, Ivan!" He patted him on the head and then walked on, ignoring Ivan's deadly glare. "And now we have the third contestant..."

Garet stopped again and stared.

Today was just full of far too many surprises.

"What are YOU doing here?" Garet cried out, staring at the one-eyed rock.

"Trying to see if I'm dating material of course," the Wise One answered. "You're not really going to go and say that talking rocks can't date humans, are you? Because I will sue you for discrimination if you even try. The audience agrees with me, don't they?"

"Boo!" the audience yelled, throwing things. "You're a freak!"

"Apparently not," the Wise One said, sounding disappointed. "But at least I can have a date."

"This is ridiculous," Garet grumbled. "And our third contestant is the Wise One!"

The audience fell silent, looking sullen. Garet sighed and walked to the screen, peering around it to look at his grandmother who was sitting patiently. This was definitely the worst show ever. With an effort, Garet called out, "Okay, Grandmother, you can start asking the questions now!"

"Oh, goody!" Garet's grandmother held up the card and squinted in an effort to read the small text. "Number One... is age... important in love?"

"To me, it is!" Kraden declared. "I prefer my women to still have the essence of youth! I can't really stand those old people with all their wrinkles and arthritis, it's kind of hard to get turned on by a lady with saggy breasts."

Garet clenched his teeth, resisting the urge to vomit and to maim Kraden for being a hypocrite. Who did he think he was, saying such derogatory things about older people when he happened to be one of them? Well, he didn't have the saggy breasts at any rate. Garet really had to resist the urge to vomit at the thought of Kraden with saggy breasts.

"Hmm." Garet's grandmother tutted, quite unimpressed with the answer. Number One sounded like a terrible, shallow person. "Number Two, if I was coming over for dinner, what would you cook me?"

"Fungi!" Ivan answered quickly. "I am quite fond of fungus pie. I also love Brussels sprouts. So, I would say, I would cook you up my special dish of fungus pie with Brussels sprouts on the side. And some wine. Mind you, I like the kind of wine that tastes like sewage water. And the dessert? Chocolate covered anchovies. Yum!"

Garet quickly peered around the screen to see a disgusted expression on his grandmother's face. He flashed a thumbs up at Ivan, who smiled in relief.

"Number Three," Garet's grandmother said once she had recovered from the shock, "What are your favourite pastimes?"

"Well, for one thing, I like to roll around in grassy fields," the Wise One answered, "I also enjoy turning people into dragons and I like testing people. I lie and cheat and stuff."

"I see," Garet's grandmother said slowly, looking confused. "Back to Number One then. Are you... a... virgin? Oh my! These questions are perfectly rude at times! Who comes up with such trash like this?"

Garet looked suspiciously at the Wise One, who quietly snickered. Apparently, the one who was running the show was also responsible for making up the questions. He sure did have a filthy sense of humour for a one-eyed rock.

"Yes," Kraden admitted shamefully. "When I was young, I was too busy studying and researching Alchemy for romance. Now I am a rambling old man desperate to catch up on my youth! Maybe you could claim my virginity for me!"

Garet decided that one night he would sneak to Kraden's cottage when nobody was looking, stick him in his pot and roll it down a mountain with him still inside. Then he could claim it was a honest accident that must have happened when Kraden was studying gravity. Garet snickered, believing his plan to be absolutely foolproof. If nobody had suspected him of owning the porn, nobody would suspect him of killing Kraden.

"What a perfectly rude man," Garet's grandmother muttered in disgust.

"I want to throw up," Ivan moaned. "Can I go?"

"No, you can't!" the Wise One said harshly. "You must suffer to the very end!" He then laughed maniacally, his eye eerily rolling around in its socket. The audience shuddered, disturbed by the sight of his rolling eye.

"Number Two!" Garet's grandmother called out. "Name one... sexual... fantasy... of yours."

"Oh, geez!" Ivan shook his head. "Okay... um... er..." He broke off and looked desperately at Garet, who grinned and immediately hurried to his aid. Garet proceeded to whisper something vulgar in his ear. Ivan blanched and took a deep breath. "Okay, my sexual fantasy is..."

As Ivan said it, a loud bleep was emitted from the speakers surrounding the stage, muffling out whatever Ivan had said. The audience sighed in relief, quite happy to have a censor at last.

"I didn't get that!" Garet's grandmother desperately protested. "Some awful noise filled my ears!" Garet, smirking, went over to tell her in a hushed whisper what Ivan had said then returned with a very red face. He'd never expected to say such things to his grandmother.

"Who was responsible for that beep?" The Wise One thundered. "I must have a word with the sound effects department."

Several people in the audience gasped. It was clear that the Wise One wanted this show to be as dirty as possible! And it would corrupt the children!

"Number Three," Garet's grandmother said, faltering as she recovered from the shock of learning what vulgar things Number Two had said, "Handcuffs... or... rope? I do not get this question."

An uncomfortable moment followed as the Wise One tried to figure out what he should say. Garet, Ivan and Kraden all stared curiously at him and the audience waited with bated breath. Of course, it would be silly to say handcuffs. Being tied up with rope might be kind of feasible. Eventually, the Wise One sighed and relented, "Okay, rope."

Garet moaned and sat on the floor, pressing his fingers against his temples. Having to listen to his grandmother ask absurd questions to try and get a _date_ was unbelievably painful. Why did the Wise One make up such filthy questions anyway?

"Number One," Garet's grandmother said. "Say... a romantic... haiku..."

"A haiku?" Garet snorted. The Wise One glared at him.

"Hey, coming up with new questions can be hard!" The Wise One exclaimed.

"Young girls are my thing. Would like to sleep with Jenna. Will settle for you," Kraden recited.

"Wise One, please ban Kraden from the show," Ivan said immediately.

"Audience, would you like me to ban him?" The Wise One asked.

**"YES!"** The audience shouted.

"Well, if you say so," the Wise One said finally.

"The nerve of this man," Garet's grandmother said in disgust. "Number Two, what is your earliest memory?"

"Taking a really big dump in my potty," Ivan answered. "First off, it was this really huge weight sitting in my ass and I was sitting there for quite a while waiting for it to come through. And then it was moving and it was so painful and I was scrunching up my face in pain. It was such a relief when I finally heard it all plopping straight into the potty. Then I picked that mass of wet brown stuff and flung it across the room. It made a nice splatting sound too."

Garet's grandmother made a strange choking noise. The audience just sat and stared at Ivan, who immediately went beet red as he realised everyone was staring at him.

"By the way, that wasn't true," Ivan squeaked out timidly.

"Man, Ivan, you're a riot!" Garet was keeled over, laughing hard.

"Nu-number three..." Garet's grandmother muttered, feeling quite sick, "If you had to give up sex or food, which one would you give up?"

The Wise One looked down, starting to wish he hadn't bothered coming on here. He'd never even had either of those, how could he decide? "... Sex." At least, by his understanding of humans, they needed to eat, so that made the most sense.

"Okay, Grandmother," Garet said, walking over to her. "You can pick one of them now. So... who will you pick?"

"Well... I would have to say Number Three," Garet's grandmother answered. "The other two are simply vulgar."

"I got lumped with Kraden," Ivan whimpered. He broke down in tears. "I never wanted to be compared to Kraden!"

"Well, let's see who you rejected first," Garet said, walking to the screen. "You rejected Number One, Kraden of Tolbi."

Kraden sobbed bitterly as he walked over to the other side of the screen, then he stopped and stared at Garet's grandmother. He immediately looked relieved. "Oh, thank goodness I didn't get picked!" Kraden cheered and danced off the stage. Garet shivered at the sight of Kraden dancing.

"You also rejected Number Two," Garet said. "Ivan of Kalay."

Ivan promptly ran off the stage, sobbing in embarrassment and relief.

"And now, let's see who you picked," Garet said, pushing the lever. The screen came down. "The Wise One!"

"Ma'am," the Wise One said politely, floating over. "Thank you very much for picking me."

"Oh my goodness," Garet's grandmother gasped. "I get to go on a date with Vale's protector. What an honour!"

Garet stared at her incredulously. He could not believe what he was hearing. Garet shook himself and pulled the envelopes out of his pocket, approaching the couple. "Congratulations. Now... pick an envelope so you can decide where you'll be going on vacation."

"Ooh." Garet's grandmother immediately selected one and opened the envelope. "My goodness! We get to go to a place called Izumo. Sounds fun."

"It does," the Wise One agreed as Garet's grandmother handed back the envelope. "Let's go there right now!" He promptly teleported away with her.

Garet incredulously stared at the spot where they had previously been. His grandmother was on a date with the Wise One. Never in a million years could he possibly have imagined that scenario taking place. It didn't even make any sense! His grandmother dating a _rock_! While her husband was in a coma!

"Part 2 coming up after the break..." Garet said bleakly, walking off the stage.

After the commercial break, the audience clapped and cheered enthusiastically as Garet came back on, having scoffed some food, plus lots of Ibuprofen and Valium. The combined effects of painkillers and sedatives had made him a little woozy.

"Hey, everybody..." Garet slurred, swaying on his feet.

"Mommy, is that boy drunk?" A girl in the audience asked.

"Get on with the show, you fool!" Another person in the audience yelled. "We're sick of waiting!"

"Heh heh..." Garet walked in concentric circles, staring at the lights. "Ooh... shiny lights. Man, this makes me feel better. Now I don't feel so bad about Aaron finding my porn."

The audience gasped.

"Whoops, did I say that out loud?" Garet laughed nervously. "What was I doing again? Oh, yeah..." He spotted the contestant in the chair and stumbled over to the 'lucky' guy. "Hey, Isaac! You're the first contestant?"

"Are you drunk?" Isaac asked nervously.

"Heh, no." Garet grinned. "I can't even feel a thing. This is great!"

"Okay... well..." Isaac sighed. "Just give me the card."

"Okily dokily!" Garet handed it over then stomped over to the other side of the screen with a stupid grin on his face as he prepared to introduce the three people vying for a date with Isaac.

"It's Isaac, isn't it?" The first contestant bounced in her chair. "We heard Isaac was the one coming on today!"

"Um... yeah... what's your name again?" Garet looked quizzically at the purple haired girl.

"My name is Feizhi!" The girl snapped. "I do hope Isaac is better at remembering my name."

"I wouldn't count on it," Garet said, not noticing her distraught expression. He walked to the second chair. "And now... number two... is Mia."

"It really is Isaac, isn't it?" Mia asked anxiously. "Last time I was here, it... was Babi." She shuddered at the memory of Babi rushing at her with those sickening heart eyes.

"It is Isaac," Garet confirmed. "And now three..." He walked to the next chair and stopped. "Okay, wow, I'm getting really bad with names..."

The unfamiliar woman sat hunched over in the chair, a wide, flowery bonnet shading her face. Long, blue hair cascaded down her shoulders. Her only visible feature was her bright pink lips. She also wore a flowery blue dress and held a handbag in her lap.

"We have never met before," the woman spoke in a nasal, squeaky voice. "I am from Lemuria."

"Okay, well..." Garet hesitated, shaking his head. Something wasn't right. "But... are you... in the game?"

"No," she answered. "My name is... Sue."

"Okay, er, Sue..." Garet blinked and stumbled away, feeling very confused. "I don't get it. Isaac, just ask the questions! I feel dizzy." He fell over in a faint by the screen.

"Number One!" Isaac called out. "What is your dream wedding?"

"The only thing I dream of is having Isaac by my side," Feizhi said, her eyes shining. "I wouldn't care if it was just a quick occasion in a shack with a couple of witnesses, just being your bride is my dream!"

Isaac shuddered. Apparently he had some admirers, or potential stalkers. And they even wanted to marry him? He felt thoroughly scared now. "Okay... er... Number Two... if the world was about to end in ten seconds, what would you want us to do together?"

Mia shivered as she heard a sinister chuckle coming from the woman next to her... oh, yeah, Sue. Mia looked oddly at Sue then shrugged it off and answered, "I would be sad if the world was ending, but so long as we were together, I would want to do nothing more than hold you. Besides, ten seconds... isn't a very long time..."

"That's true," Isaac muttered. "Okay, so, Number Three, it's my birthday. You want to get me a lavish gift. What's your gift?"

"How interesting you should speak of giving each other gifts," Sue said, her voice momentarily breaking up. She coughed and quickly ducked into her handbag. A strange sucking noise followed. Then Sue came back up and spoke again, her voice newly squeaky. "I love gifts. I think what's more important is what you give me. But then again, I would happily give you... chocolates."

Isaac blinked, stupefied by the answer. Number Three just sounded like a spoiled and stingy person. Unimpressed, he went on to the next set of questions. "Number One, where should we go on a romantic getaway?"

"Anywhere, so long as it's with you," Feizhi said. "I'd happily walk with you naked in Tundaria if you wanted."

"No... thanks..." Isaac shuddered. He didn't particularly like the idea of being naked in a cold place, let alone with other people. "Number Two, how many times would we date before we kissed?"

Mia blushed, smiling. "Well, to be honest, I wouldn't mind kissing you on our first date. But I already know who you are. Normally, with another guy, I'd go with maybe three dates."

"Okay then. Number Three," Isaac said. "What is your worst fear?"

"Failing," Sue replied. "My worst fear is that I may fail to... er, accomplish certain tasks. I have a goal to reach. I must reach that goal."

Feizhi and Mia stared at Sue. Mia narrowed her eyes in suspicion. Something was definitely dodgy about this woman.

"Riiiight..." Isaac said slowly. "Okay, last set of questions. Number One, what would your ideal first date with me be?"

"In a boudoir," Feizhi answered honestly. "With lots of loving and soft, passionate sex."

Mia stared at Feizhi, simply appalled and enraged. How dare Feizhi speak of sex with Isaac on the first date. The brazen hussy!

"That's not really... my ideal first date," Isaac said nervously. "Number Two, you just broke my favourite ornament. What do you do? Replace it without telling or tell the truth?"

"I would tell the truth," Mia said honestly. "And then I would buy a replacement."

"Nice," Isaac said. "Now, last question! Number Three, make up a memory of us together."

"Stealing your... pow... er, virginity," Sue said hastily. Mia and Feizhi shot dirty looks at Sue.

"What the heck?" Isaac put down the card and walked to the screen. "Hey, Garet, are you awake yet?"

"No, he's not!" the audience shouted. Garet was indeed still lying unconscious by the screen.

"I see," Isaac said. "Okay, I pick... Number Two!"

Mia squealed.

"Number One, come over," Isaac called out.

Feizhi came around the screen, sobbing dramatically and yelling curse words. "Isaac! I loved you! Why do you reject me?"

"I'm sorry, but I don't remember your name," Isaac said, provoking fresh wails.

"But what about the ring?" Feizhi asked.

Isaac stared blankly at her.

"Forget it!" Feizhi stormed off, swearing to hunt down Kraden. That old man hadn't given the ring to Isaac! He would pay.

"Number Three," Isaac called out. "You may come over."

Sue smartly got up from her seat and strode over to where Isaac stood.

"Do I know you?" Isaac frowned.

"At last I have you!" Sue cackled, bringing forth a dagger from her handbag. Isaac yelled in shock and started running as Sue pursued him with the dagger, laughing maniacally. The audience stared in consternation as they ran around the stage, Isaac trying to avoid getting stabbed.

"Isaac!" Mia cried out, running past the screen. "He's in trouble!" She quickly pulled her staff out of nowhere and crept up on the maniacal woman.

Isaac stumbled and fell to the floor, turning around and gasping as Sue loomed over him with the dagger. She prepared to strike... only to freeze and then slump to the floor. Mia stood behind her, proudly holding her staff.

"Mia!" Isaac exclaimed. "So you were Number Two?" Mia nodded. "Thanks for the help. I didn't really want to hurt a woman." He got up and the two of them passionately embraced.

"So, who do you think the woman is?" Mia asked. Isaac looked blank. Mia kneeled down and lifted off the flowery bonnet. She got a good look at the face and gasped.

"It's Alex!" Isaac shouted.

"The nerve of that jerk," Mia growled, kicking Alex in the side. "Come on, Isaac, let's go... have our date."

"Yeah, we'll pick wherever we want to go," Isaac said.

The two of them walked off the stage, gazing passionately into each other's eyes all the while.

A moment later, Garet awoke. He stared in confusion and looked around. "Hey, where did everybody go?" He walked around the screen and found Alex lying unconscious, still wearing the dress. "Okay, apparently I'm just having some weird dream. Man, I'm hungry."

The audience promptly threw more food at him as the episode came to an end.


	3. Chapter 3

**The Dating Game**

* * *

Finally, another chapter of the Dating Game is here. Yes, it's been a long while, but here it is.

Camelot owns Golden Sun. But you knew that already...

* * *

Alex sulkily stood in the wing of the stage, clutching his bandaged arm. After that little stint with trying to kill Isaac and seize the rest of the Golden Sun, the Wise One had beaten him thoroughly then told him to host the next episode of the Dating Game! Was the rock mad or something? He was doing this on purpose, wasn't he? This twisted plan of making Alex suffer by hosting a cheesy show. Alex swore that one day he would exact revenge upon the one-eyed rock and that accursed rock would be very sorry. It was just a simple matter of figuring out how he was supposed to even be able to touch the most powerful being on Weyard, let alone harm him.

Apparently he wouldn't even be allowed to quit halfway through this time otherwise he would suffer a worse fate than getting beaten to a pulp. Alex let out a despondent sigh and prayed to the heavens that he wasn't going to suffer from putting up with crazy people this time around. But of course, on the Dating Game, sane and normal was simply out of the question. At least he had plenty of Tylenol on hand in case he suffered from those accursed head pains.

Now the cameras were rolling and the audience was cheering. Alex shook his head with a grimace, wondering how these people could possibly keep coming back for this crap. If he ever got to take over the world, banning game shows was going to be the first thing he did. Forcing a smile, he strolled across the stage and turned around to face the audience. The cheering died down and people stared at him. Then half of them burst out laughing. The other half booed at him.

"You tried to kill Isaac, jerk!"

"You rejected my hairgel! How could you?"

"That dress really suited you!"

Alex automatically tuned out their comments and cleared his throat, holding up the sheet of papers in his hands. In a monotone, he began speaking, "Welcome to the Golden Sun Dating Game show. In this show, two lucky people are selected to pick the date of their dreams from three contestants. The catch is, they don't know who the contestants are and the contestants don't... usually know who is going to be picking them. Mind you, information gets leaked. It happens. A lot."

Done with the traditional introduction speech, Alex turned away from the audience and walked toward the first contestant, the unlucky girl to be picking from three males. After hearing about Garet's experience, Alex had prepared himself for the worst. He came to a stop and glanced at the purple-haired woman, racking his brains for her identity. Oh, of course. Ivan's older sister. Hama, or Hamma, whatever her name was. Why did she have two spellings for her name anyway?

"So... Hama from Contigo, is it?" Alex asked. "Good luck with picking the man of your dreams."

"Oh, I don't think I'll have any problems," Hama said, looking slightly shifty. "My gift of foresight is extremely good."

"That's cheating!" Alex exclaimed. Great, leaked information wasn't the problem here. It was a sneaky Jupiter Adept this time. Those kind of Adepts were so horribly sneaky, he liked to avoid Jupiter Adepts as much as possible. Last thing he wanted was his mind read, especially back when he was keeping his plans for world domination a well-kept secret.

"You're one to talk," Hama said with a sniff. "I totally knew you were an evil bastard the first time I saw you."

"Have we met before?" Alex looked confused.

"I meant in my mind," Hama replied. "Just give me that question card already."

"Here," Alex snapped, tossing the card at her with an annoyed glare. He was supposed to be the one in charge here! The fuming Mercury Adept marched to the other section of the stage, dreading the thought of who he would see on that side. If Kraden was there, then Alex was going to be attempting murder on this stage for the second time.

Alex breathed a sigh of relief when he saw Kraden was indeed not present. Perhaps the gods were smiling upon him after all. It was almost enough that he wanted to burst into song and dance, but he resisted the urge. It would just be much too embarrassing to do in front of the audience. Steeling himself, he approached the first person. This person appeared to be a monk.

"Excuse me, but aren't you a monk?" Alex stared at the monk. "I thought that monks didn't, uh, get into this kind of thing."

"I am a monk working at Lama Temple," the monk muttered, looking around furtively. "Really, the only reason I became a monk was so that I could be close to her. Master Hama is so hot. I wish she would notice me."

"Wait... how did you know about her being here?" Alex asked.

"She told us of a premonition she'd had that she would be appearing on the show," the monk replied. "She even gave us the date, in case we wanted to come watch. Of course, I did more than that." He quietly chuckled to himself.

"Dratted Jupiter Adepts," Alex muttered in annoyance, walking to the second chair. He turned and stared at the figure who was clad in a brown robe with a large hood covering their head. A cold chill ran down his spine. Had he been too quick to assume that the absence of a grey-haired old man meant no Kraden? "I swear to Iris, if you are Kraden..." He let his threat hang in the air, clenching a fist.

"No, I am not Kraden," replied a deep, breathy voice. The man didn't even remove his hood. "My name is Maha. I am from Garoh."

"Maha?" Alex blinked. Was Maha actually an anagram of Hama? That sure was an interesting coincidence. "What's with the hood?"

"I cannot show myself to people," replied Maha. "I would rather not say why."

"Right..." Alex raised an eyebrow sceptically. He couldn't imagine why Maha would want to hide himself from people. Perhaps he was an incredibly ugly man and showing his face would make little children cry. With this assumption in mind, Alex proceeded to the next chair where a certain silk merchant sat.

"Wait a minute..." Alex pointed at the man, blinking in confusion. "You're that Hammet guy from Kalay, aren't you?"

"I'm getting revenge on my wife for appearing on this show," Hammet replied. "Serves her right for cheating on me. Maybe I'll even get lucky and score with the lady on the other side of the screen. Who knows?"

Ivan's sister and Ivan's foster father. The thought of it made Alex's head spin a little. Still, it could have been worse. "So, a monk from Lama Temple, Maha from Garoh and Hammet from Kalay," he spoke to the audience. "Who will be Hama's lucky man? We'll find out soon." He walked to the screen.

"Don't bother telling me," Hama said loudly. "I know I can ask now." Alex gritted his teeth and calmly sat down on the stage, trying not to lose his temper. "Now then. Number One, what did you dream about last night?"

"I dreamed that I was rubbing oil all over your body and giving you a massage," the monk replied, sighing in rapture as he remembered his pleasant dream. "By the way, if you ever need a masseuse, then I will be perfectly willing to fill that position."

Alex silently thanked the gods that the monk didn't have a dirty subconscious.

"Really now?" Hama raised an eyebrow. Well, if she ever felt like having a massage, she knew who to ask now. "Number Two, do you shave?"

Maha let out a choked sound that nobody could interpret. Due to his unique situation, he had a little too much hair to be shaving and if he did shave, well, he wasn't going to look any better. "Uh... well... that is..." He buried his face in his gloved paws, whimpering. "I don't shave at all! If I shaved, I would be naked!"

Those in the audience who had no idea who Maha was muttered in consternation, throwing weird looks at the cloaked figure. What Maha was saying made no sense. Why would a man who shaved be naked? Alex frowned as he began to remember something now. The name Garoh did sound familiar.

"Number Three," Hama continued, feeling a little sorry for putting Maha on the spot like that. It wasn't like she picked the questions anyway. "What do you think is the most foolish thing you've ever done in your life?"

"Having to choose between a village of magic wielding people and a village of thieves who would happily kidnap me for my money, and picking the thieves," Hammet replied promptly. "Man, was I dumb or what? The people of Vale wouldn't have held me hostage and tried to extort a ransom from my city."

Alex quietly laughed to himself, looking incredulous. How could that merchant have been foolish enough to pick Lunpa instead of Vale? Vale was just as accessible as Lunpa was, especially if you were departing from Vault. Even the audience seemed amused, quietly snickering among themselves. Hammet looked even more ashamed, sinking into his chair and staring at the floor with a despondent expression.

"Number One," Hama spoke. "Do you like your girls to be talented?"

A long silence fell over the stage and the audience as they tried to figure out what talented was supposed to mean. Then, as the silence began to grow fairly uncomfortable, a random otaku stood up in the audience.

"In the Sailor Moon dub, talented means you have big boobs," the otaku said in a shrill voice. "But the dub sucks anyway. The Japanese version is so much better!" She sat back down in the audience, looking pleased with herself.

"Seriously?" Alex shook his head and looked at the monk, who still seemed confused. "Do you like girls to have big boobs?" he asked in exasperation.

"Uh... well... I don't have a problem with Master Hama's breasts or anything," the monk blustered. "I think they are fine. I don't really see the big deal about them anyway. If the woman is attractive and nice, isn't that all that matters?"

The audience stared dully at the monk. Despite their complaints against anything that was not safe for children, they were finding this person to be rather uninteresting. Alex rolled his eyes and put his face in his hands, sighing. Of course a monk was going to be rather uninteresting anyway, all they ever did was sit and meditate.

"Uh, thanks... I think," Hama said slowly, not sure what she was supposed to think. Should she be glad a man didn't have a problem with her boobs? "Okay, Number Two, do you like to go out and get a suntan?" What was with these questions, she wondered with a mild grimace, they were rather pointless.

"I can't tan!" Maha burst out in a loud voice, startling everybody. "Even if I was able to tan, I wouldn't be able to see it beneath all my fur! Why must you persecute me with these questions? Why?" The werewolf burst into noisy sobs, feeling utterly humiliated.

"Fur? Eh... wait a minute," Alex muttered to himself, looking intent. Oh, yes, now he remembered. Garoh was home to a lot of people who tended to be afflicted with a certain furry condition under the light of the full moon and this Maha character had done something that caused him to be permanently furry. If Maha slept with a human, was that bestiality? Alex decided he did not want to think about that matter.

"Number Three, it's your turn," Hama said after a short moment of silence. "What was the most important thing you ever lost?" She stared at the question with a blank expression. This was a really boring and pointless question, wasn't it?

"Oh... er, let me see... well, my rod, I guess," Hammet replied. "Can you believe I was careless enough to lose my rod?"

A few people in the audience quietly laughed. Alex sighed in disgust as he heard them. "Oh, come on!" he snapped. "That rod joke is so old. Aren't you people getting sick of it by now?" How long had people been joking about the Shaman's Rod now? Far too long in his opinion.

"Sometimes being psychic is no fun," Hama quietly sighed, shaking her head. She moved on to the next set of questions. "Number one, do you have any particular fetishes?"

"Uh... fetishes?" The monk looked around in confusion, apparently not understanding the nature of this particular question.

"What's your favourite part of the body?" Alex said in exasperation, getting to his feet. "Are all monks so ridiculously innocent like you?" He sighed, crossing his arms and pacing down the stage. It was amazing how annoying the people on this show could be at times. Why did he have to be stuck hosting this ridiculous excuse for a show anyway?

"My favourite part of the body?" The monk frowned, thinking about it. "Hmm... bottoms. I like nice, round bottoms."

A few people in the audience could be heard choking at the unexpected answer. Nobody would have expected a monk of all people to confess to a bottom fetish, but it was likely he didn't get what a fetish was supposed to be.

"Are you really straight?" Alex muttered derisively. This guy had to be at least bisexual!

"Alright then," Hama said after a long pause. "Now, Number two, here is your question. If you were the hero in a scary horror movie, would you rather be slaying vampires, zombies or werewolves?"

Maha let out a cry of astonishment at the question. "Are werewolves really that scary?" He sounded close to tears now. "We werewolves of Garoh are nice, friendly people! Why would anybody be trying to hurt us? They even burned our kind at the stake..."

The audience stared at Maha as he sank to the floor and started crying. Alex walked over and kicked the cloaked lump.

"Okay, wolfy, just answer the question," Alex said unsympathetically. "Would you rather slay vampires or zombies?" He figured Maha wouldn't say werewolves.

"I guess... vampires." Maha sighed and sat back in his chair, rubbing the spot where he had been kicked. "Don't they suck blood? Gross."

"So, you don't snack on raw meat or anything like that?" Alex asked.

"I eat like a normal human being!" Maha snapped, sounding quite annoyed now. "Don't make me bite you!"

Alex let out a quiet squeak of fright and retreated to a safe corner of the stage, well outside the range of Maha's possibly sharp teeth. He had no desire to be bitten by a werewolf. What if he became one himself? That would be simply terrible.

"Number Three." Hama was beginning to sound quite weary now. "A girl tries on a dress that is way too small for her and asks you how she looks. Do you tell her the truth?"

"That's it!" Hammet declared. "The next time Layana asks me how she looks, I'll tell her she looks like a fat cow. That will teach her not to mock my weight!" He laughed raucously.

Nobody else laughed however. The very thought of someone as attractive as Layana looking like a fat cow didn't seem possible. In fact, they wondered how a man like Hammet could have managed to get her in the first place. There was no way she would fall for Hammet's lies anyway. Just what was he on?

"I'm so tired of being teased about my weight," Hammet continued. "So what if I'm a little tubby? I don't care. I'm proud to be me!"

"Answer the damn question," Alex said in a strained voice. He just wanted this to be over.

"If the girl doesn't mock me, I won't mock her," Hammet said finally. "I will tell her what she wants to hear."

"Great. We're done here," Alex said in a monotone, walking to the other side of the stage. He looked pointedly at Hama. "You don't need me to tell you that you can pick now, do you?"

"Of course not," Hama responded, getting to her feet and folding her arms with a smirk. "I pick Number Two."

Alex's eyes widened in surprise. "Uh... you do realise... that Number Two isn't exactly _human_, don't you?" he asked in a hushed voice, staring at her as if she had just sprouted a second head.

"I realise that just fine," Hama snapped. "I feel sorry for him, that's all. Now just go do your thing."

"Fine, fine," Alex sighed tiredly, shaking his head. If Hama wanted to date a werewolf, well, he didn't care. He was just a little puzzled about why she would want to date a werewolf. "You rejected Number One, a random monk from Lama Temple!" he announced, standing by the screen.

The monk came onto the stage and fervently bowed to Hama. "I will continue to meditate at your temple every day!" he swore, tears streaming down his cheek.

"Okay..." Hama said slowly, blinking as she watched the monk leave the stage.

"You also rejected Number Three, Hammet of Kalay," Alex said. He wondered how screwed up Ivan would be in the head if his sister and foster father went on a date. Too bad he wasn't about to see that happen.

Hammet came onto the stage and punched the air with a grin. "Hah! Take that, Layana!"

"He really is a strange man," Hama murmured as Hammet walked off the stage. "I'm sure glad Ivan didn't turn out so badly."

"You already know who you picked, but let's do this anyway," Alex said sourly, bringing down the screen. "You picked Maha of Garoh, a frigging werewolf."

Maha came over to where Hama stood, still fully cloaked. "Thank you for picking me," he said in earnest. "I have almost forgotten what it's like to be a normal human being. This will be a great experience for me."

"Why don't you take off the hood?" Hama asked. "There's no need to hide yourself from the world. Be proud of who you are."

"Uh... well... if you say so..." Maha glanced at the audience and pulled down his hood.

A few people in the audience, who hadn't been paying attention or thought the werewolf thing was a joke, screamed and some even fainted in shock. Some people were now holding up cameras and taking pictures.

"Hey, wait... how many people on average are watching this show?" Maha asked, suddenly worried. "And how many people in the audience again?"

"I really wouldn't worry about your secret being exposed," Alex said, walking over with the envelopes. "Now pick your location." He sharply held them away as Hama reached out for one. "No. Maha picks."

Hama silently glowered at Alex, her eyes narrowing to slits. She had _really_ wanted to pick the left one! To her dismay, Maha picked the right one.

"Looks like we'll be going to Mikasalla," Maha said as he read the card. "I wonder what kind of place that is."

Hama glared daggers at Alex. Mikasalla was only one of the most boring places to be on Weyard. Alex caught her gaze and smirked annoyingly. It served her right for cheating with her psychic powers anyway.

"Well, off you go," Alex said with a big, fake smile. Hama and Maha left the stage, Hama still throwing death glares over her shoulder. As the audience clapped and cheered, Alex turned to face them. "Now it's time for the commercials. We'll be back after the break... unfortunately." As the cameras stopped rolling, he left the stage and took a few painkillers. Alex had a bad feeling about the second act. Things could only get worse, couldn't they?

After the commercial break, Alex came back onto the stage and faced the audience with a sullen look. "And now we're back. What lucky guy will be having the chance to pick from three dates? Let's go and find out." The audience cheered as he walked over to the chair where the male contestant was sitting.

The contestant was covered from head to foot in a giant Mars Djinni costume. No part of their body could be seen at all. Alex recoiled in surprise, not having been expecting such a strange looking character to be in the seat. Just who was this?

"Who are you?" Alex asked slowly, giving the masked person a suspicious stare.

"It's a surprise," replied the person in the Mars Djinni costume, looking at him through the transparent blue plastic that served as the Djinni's eyes. "The Wise One said that this was okay. He's getting a little tired of leaked information."

Alex frowned in confusion. Was it just him or did it sound like this person was putting on a fake voice? "I guess that my previous act of disguising myself has inspired other people to do the same," he said tiredly, throwing the question card at the person. "I don't care who you are, just ask the questions when you're ready." He smiled fakely at the audience. "And that's our male contestant, everyone!"

"Boo!" yelled the audience furiously. "We want to know who he is! Tell us!"

Alex ignored the audience, walking to the other side of the stage where the hopeful girls were sitting.

"First, we have..." Alex looked at Garet's older sister, sitting in the first seat. "Number One is Kay from Vale."

"This is so exciting! I get to be on TV!" Kay exclaimed, looking at the audience. "My brother made such an ass of himself last episode... it was so embarrassing to watch. By the way, he's been punished for hiding porn and my grandfather woke up so everything is okay now."

A few children in the audience promptly asked what porn was, causing the overprotective parents to gasp in shock. How could she have said such a word around their tender young ears? Terrifying thoughts of their children seeking out porn ran through their minds. Why they hadn't yet realised this show was not safe for children, the reason was unknown.

"I see," Alex said, with an 'I really don't care' look on his face. He proceeded to the second seat. "Eh, you again?"

"I'm sorry, have we met before?" Feizhi looked up in confusion.

Oh. She hadn't been there to see the dramatic reveal of who that mysterious woman actually was. "You were here last episode," Alex pointed out.

"I know. But appearing two times in a row is not against the rules." Feizhi shrugged. "Truth is, I was told in my mind I would have a chance encounter if I came onto the show today and it would be with a person I've been hoping to see again." She clenched a fist. "I will definitely see that person... I think."

"Okay then. The second contestant is Feizhi of Xian," Alex said dismissively, moving to the next chair. "And now we have... uh, who are you?"

"I am the NPC in Vale who hangs out by Kraden's house and talks about missing him when he's gone," replied the woman. "So what if I don't even have a name?"

"I see." Alex turned to the audience and put on a strained smile. "And the third contestant is a nameless NPC from Vale!"

The audience was getting a little tired of nameless people, which they demonstrated by giving Alex sullen stares and muttering.

"Oh, come on people, if we only ever used people with names, this show would get stale! And if I was lucky, cancelled." Alex shook his head, walking to the other side of the stage. Were the audience ever satisfied? "Okay, er, masked person, ask your questions."

"Number One," said the masked man. "Which would you rather lick off me, whipped cream or chocolate sauce?"

Alex sank to the floor with a groan and held his head in his hands. The dirty questions were apparently making a comeback.

"Eh?" Kay squeaked in a startled voice, clapping a hand over her mouth in shock. "Um... well... chocolate sauce is tastier than whipped cream, I suppose, but licking it off?" She had no idea who the man even was, so naturally the thought was a little vexing to her.

"Number Two," the man continued, chuckling to himself, "Top or bottom?"

"What is this question supposed to mean?" Feizhi frowned, thinking hard about it. Obviously the man was asking if she liked to be on top or bottom... suddenly, it occurred to her and she calmly replied, "I don't think it would matter to me."

"And now, Number Three," the man said. "Would you like to engage in" A loud bleep sounded. "Or" Another loud bleep sounded. "What was that?"

Alex stared at the man suspiciously. Surely the Wise One would have been careful enough to come up with some questions that didn't have to be censored. The sound effects department had refused to back down on censoring, pointing out the many complains about language and vulgarity. Plus, the show didn't air late enough.

"Bleep or bleep?" The NPC asked in confusion. "Is this a joke? Uh... I don't know... both?"

"Both, eh?" the man murmured with a grin, ignoring the fact the woman had no idea what he'd actually said. "Number One, do you think that size matters?"

"What is it with these stupid questions?" Kay scowled. "The size of what? If you're talking about something like people's stomachs, I think certain people could have smaller stomachs and they would be eating less food. But I don't care about a dumb thing like size anyway."

Alex wondered if Garet had done something to annoy her. Eaten all her cereal this morning before she had a chance to eat breakfast, probably.

"Number Two, who do you think is the handsomest man in the world?" asked the masked man.

"Isaac, of course!" Feizhi squealed. "He is just so dreamy." She sighed rapturously, her eyes shining. "I would do anything to be with Isaac."

"Why is he so popular?" the man muttered to himself, shaking his head. "It seems so unfair. Okay, Number Three, are you familiar with the meaning of bukkake?"

The sound effects department weren't, apparently, and neither were a lot of people in the audience who were muttering in confusion and looking around for someone who could tell them. There were a few instances of scattered laughter as well, but nobody thought to speak up.

"What is bukkake?" Alex asked in frustration, then he stopped and thought about it. "You know what? I don't want to know."

"Are you talking about cake? I like cake!" the woman exclaimed, clapping her hands together with a smile. "We could eat cake together!"

Alex was sure the man's head was exploding inside. He was getting really suspicious now. Something wasn't right about those questions.

"Number One, would you like me to butter your muffin?" asked the man.

Alex groaned and facepalmed in disgust. The Wise One was terrible at making up questions. A few people in the audience also made disapproving noises.

"Okay, really, even I wanted to eat a muffin right now, I could put butter on it myself," Kay replied snappishly. "That was a really stupid question." Apparently she had not understood the innuendo behind the question.

"Uh... right," the man said awkwardly, sounding a little dejected. "Number Two, what are your views on threesomes?"

The audience gasped in shock. Surely that question was a little personal? Then they remembered that nothing was considered too personal for mention on this terrible excuse for a show and quietened down.

"Um... well, er..." Feizhi faltered, looking a bit uncomfortable. "I only want to be with one person. It would be a bit strange having a third person in there, wouldn't it?"

"Almost over, almost over," Alex repeated to himself in a quiet chant, massaging his forehead.

"Number Three!" The man sounded excited now that the questions round was nearly done. "What do you think of a starlit night out on the beach?"

"That sounds so romantic!" the woman exclaimed. "I would love it!"

Alex wondered if he was thinking of certain activities and if she'd realised it, then decided he didn't want to know. Instead, he walked over to the man and snatched away the questions card, reading it. "Geez, that's funny..." Alex glared at the masked man. "You didn't even ask half of the questions on here!"

"If others could do it, I can too." The masked man stood up. "So can I pick now?"

"Who are you?" Alex hissed through gritted teeth.

"I pick Number Three!" declared the man, whipping off his mask to reveal who he actually was.

The audience gasped in shock. Alex struggled not to snap and kill the old man standing before him. "Damn it, Kraden!" He furiously stomped over to the screen, fuming. The Wise One must have done this on purpose. Kraden should have been banned. That rock was in for some real pain, if he ever figured out how to harm it in the first place.

"You rejected Number One, Kay of Vale," Alex snapped. Kay walked past the screen and grimaced as she saw Kraden.

"You never told me that it was Kraden!" Kay yelled, turning around on Alex with a furious look. "I could have had to go on a date with that creepy old man, no thanks to you!" She furiously kicked him in the nuts and stormed off stage.

"I didn't even... know..." Alex squeaked, falling to the floor and curling up into the fetal position. He summoned up all the strength he had, trying to ignore the excruciating pain, to call out, "Number Two... Feizhi... of Xian!"

Feizhi came to the other side of the stage and gasped as she caught sight of Kraden. "It's you! That old man who promised to give Isaac the ring from me and never did!"

"Oh, crap." Kraden was powerless against the wrath of a girl who knew Kung Fu. He sank into the chair, aching in several places. "It was the writers' fault..." But Feizhi was already gone and didn't hear him.

"You picked... Number Three..." Alex sobbed, weakly pulling down the lever. "An NPC..." He gave up then and fell quiet, curling back into a writhing heap of agony.

The NPC came onto the stage and gasped as she saw Kraden. "I don't believe it!" she exclaimed, going all starry eyed. "The man who picked me is Kraden himself! Oh, I'm so lucky!"

"It would be an honour indeed to date a beautiful woman like you," Kraden said joyfully, taking her hand and kissing it.

This was some delusion of his, it had to be. Alex desperately wanted to believe so. Maybe he had actually fainted when Kay kicked him in the privates and now he was experiencing a strange dream, but it didn't even feel like a dream. He shakily held up the three envelopes toward them. "Pick... one..." he whispered faintly.

The woman picked an envelope and opened it. "Oh, we're going on a trip to this place named Kalay. I hope it's good."

"Oh, we'll have a lot of fun in Kalay," Kraden assured, walking off the stage with the woman.

Alex weakly raised his head, looking at the audience. "Show's over. Don't mind me, I'll just lie here until the pain goes away." He put his head back down with a pained groan. With that, the episode came to an end.


	4. Chapter 4

**The Dating Game**

I was going to update sooner. Really. It just didn't happen. But this fic is back with another chapter now. Enjoy!

* * *

The audience were all seated, waiting for the show to begin. Some of them wondered why they kept coming back. Maybe it was the free food they got to throw at the stage or the opportunity to boo out whatever poor mortal was up there.

Certain people in the audience were expecting that blue haired freak to appear any moment now and readily armed themselves with food, grinning evilly as they prepared to do what they enjoyed most of all. That was, making Alex's life a living hell, or something close to it. They never felt any remorse either. Alex deserved what he got.

So, it came as quite a surprise when the Wise One floated into view, blinking his single eye at everybody.

"Betrayers, I have arrived!" the Wise One boomed in a creepy voice, his eye rolling around creepily. Some people in the audience cried for their mommies. "Normally, I would have that poor shmuck Alex up here, but he wanted to be a contestant and I guess everyone deserves a chance."

The audience fell silent. They didn't really care who was hosting it anyway.

"Now, we've been getting complaints," the Wise One continued speaking. "There are people out there who think we are discriminating against homosexual people simply by having women choosing men and vice versa. I know, it sounds crazy, but we might as well reach out to those people who believe in equality for all."

People exchanged nervous glances, not liking where this was going.

"Hell, yeah!" a demented fangirl suddenly yelled. "I love yaoi!" Several fangirls cheered along with her and they stared drooling.

"Piers/Felix for the win!"

"Hell no! Alex/Felix!"

"Are you crazy? Alex is evil!"

"I want to see Felix bang Isaac up the ass!"

Suddenly, the entire studio began to shake as the Wise One glowed, his eye bright crimson. The audience screamed and freaked out during the quake, quieting down once it had stopped. The rocky guardian chuckled evilly.

"That shut you up, didn't it?" the Wise One spoke ominously. "Today, a lucky man will be choosing from three men and a lucky woman will get to pick from three women."

"Why pick?" an obese man shouted, dipping his hand into the bag of potato chips in his lap. He ran a tongue over his lips. "Let them have a lesbian or-" His sentence was broken off by a scream as the Wise One telekinetically lifted him up and flung him through the wall, leaving a fat man shaped hole.

"Would anyone like to join him?" the Wise One asked calmly.

Everyone remained silent, their faces pale with fright.

"Good. Now let's meet the first contestant." The Wise One floated over to the contestant chair, where Felix was sitting, trussed up in chains that bound him to the chair. He struggled desperately, trying to break free.

"Why are you doing this to me?" Felix cried out, turning his big puppy dog eyes on the Wise One. "What did I ever do to deserve this?"

"Tests have shown that you are the most prolific in slash fanfiction," the Wise One responded. "Therefore, you are the obvious choice."

Felix sank into his chair with a whimper. Then something suddenly occurred to him. "Hey, you said Alex wanted to be a contestant. Did he know that you were going to force me on?"

"Yes," the Wise One replied. "In fact, I'm quite sure that's why he wanted to come on."

Felix's eyes widened. He wished he hadn't asked now, because that was just too much information. Who knew Alex had the hots for him?

The Wise One chuckled to himself and floated across the screen to the three other contestants whom Felix would be forced to pick from. In the first chair was Alex himself.

Alex was looking into a mirror and anxiously preening his hair. "I hope I look good," he muttered.

Piers was in the second chair with a grin on his face. "Oh yeah, this is going to be great. I can't wait to make Felix squirm. That is, if he picks me. But why wouldn't he?"

The third chair was taken by Isaac, who didn't seem too happy to be there. "Come on, I'm straight. Why do I have to be here?"

The Wise One ignored him and returned to Felix, dropping a card in his lap. "There you go. Now ask the questions." He drifted away, chuckling evilly. This was going to be oh so fun indeed.

"Ugh. Might as well get this over with." Felix sighed and lifted the card, squinting at the words printed on it. "Number One, what is the first thing you do in the morning?"

"Oh, where do I start?" Alex exhaled heavily. "There's so many things I have to do in the morning like putting concealer on my face so that I don't show any nasty blemishes or tending to my hair. It takes at least three hours to fully condition it and make it look perfect, and I have to do it every morning. A man needs to look his best after all."

Felix's eyes widened. He was pretty sure that Number One was Alex, it sounded a lot like him. Now he was really disturbed. "Okay, Number Two... er, how old are you?" What was with that question anyway?

Piers froze, his eyes growing wide with shock. Had he seriously just been asked how old he was? That was the one thing he would not tell anybody.

"Number Two?" Felix spoke after a minute of silence. "Are you alright?"

"Uh..." Piers choked out. How could he possibly tell everyone his age? Yet, he had to answer the question. If he didn't, the Wise One would probably maim him, something he did not want. The Lemurian hung his head and sighed. "Fine. I am 80 years old."

People in the audience snickered. One of them shouted something about Piers being older than Kraden and more people laughed. Piers's face burned red with embarrassment and he wished the floor would just swallow him up then.

"Eighty years old?" Felix whispered, feeling disgusted. He sincerely hoped that whoever was Number Two was a certain Lemurian and not some random man of eighty. That would be just too disturbing for words. "Uh... okay then. Number Three, do you like to be the... see mee or the oo kee... what?"

"That's seme and uke," the Wise One interrupted. When Felix gave him a blank stare, he sighed. Isaac's lack of an answer suggested he did not know either. "Someone in the audience explain it to them!"

A girl in the audience immediately piped up. "The seme is the one who goes on top and the uke is the one who goes beneath them!"

At this answer, Isaac's face turned beet red. He had to answer a question like that? "Uh... er..." He fidgeted awkwardly. "Oh, hell, I don't care. I'll go on either top or bottom. Does it really matter where I am during sex?"

"Yes!" several insane yaoi lovers screamed, causing Isaac to flinch in shock.

"You've got to be kidding me," Felix muttered. He let out a long sigh. Only a few more questions to go. He could do this. "Number One, what is an anagram of subtext?" He blinked as he stared at the card, raising an eyebrow. Seriously? What kind of a question was this? Was the Wise One running out of them or something?

Alex immediately answered with a grin on his face. "Buttsex!" he exclaimed cheerfully.

Some children in the audience asked what buttsex was, followed by gasps from their shocked parents.

"Huh, I didn't know that," Felix said, feeling a tad disturbed. "Number Two, how do you like your sausages?" Bile rose up in his throat and he had to force it down. Then he wondered if maybe he could get away with asking different questions. Jenna and Kraden had, so surely he could. But then again, he didn't want to anger the Wise One.

"Oh, I love my sausages to be moist and tasty with just a little fat dripping out.." Piers trailed off, his face turning pale. He had the horrible feeling he had been lured into some kind of trap with that question.

Indeed, several people were laughing uproariously in the audience. The innocent kids were now asking what was so funny and their parents couldn't bring themselves to tell them, so they settled for telling them that some people were insane and dangerous and they should stay very, very far away from them.

"Number... Three..." Felix whimpered. He wanted this to be over and done with already. "What are your thoughts on yaoi?"

Isaac screamed and clutched his head, now on the verge of a mental breakdown. He couldn't bring himself to answer these ridiculous questions anymore.

"Uh... okay then." Felix decided to just ignore him and move on. He was sure the people on the other side of the screen were suffering just as much as he was, except Alex of course. "Number One, we're going to sing a song together. What is it?"

"It's Raining Men!" Alex squealed.

"He sure has odd tastes in music," Felix mumbled under his breath. "Okay, Number Two. Do you like nuts covered in chocolate? Wait a minute..."

"Oh, chocolate covered nuts taste so good!" Piers clapped his hand over his mouth a few seconds later. Crap, he had done it again. He sure was good at making the audience laugh, as they happened to be finding his answer very amusing.

Last question. Felix was sure he could hear a choir of angels singing, or maybe it was just him. This whole thing was driving him crazy. "Number Three, would you use lubricant or not?" he asked wearily.

Isaac was in hysterics, curled up in a ball and whimpering with his head still in his hands. This was just too much. "No... no no noooooo!" he screamed.

"Ow. Isaac's a rough lover," said someone in the audience. The sound of snickering followed.

"Don't pick him, Felix!" shouted another person. "You'll be in a world of pain!"

Felix had an urge to go and stab said person for suggesting they would have sex. Except he was chained to a chair, so he couldn't do it.

"Alright, it's choosing time!" Wise One floated up. "Who will you pick?"

Felix honestly didn't care, but he had to pick otherwise the Wise One would probably do something crazy like turning him into a dragon. He had a feeling Number Three would only be even more traumatized if he was picked and he had no desire to choose Alex either. "I choose Number Two," he said heavily.

"Very well." The Wise One floated to the screen. "You rejected Number One, Alex of Imil!"

Alex came onto the stage, sniffing. "How could you reject me? Is it my hair? Is it not beautiful enough?" He clung to Felix, his eyes full of tears. "Am I just not pretty enough for you?"

"Get the hell off me," Felix hissed through his teeth.

Alex sobbed some more and warped out.

"What is the matter with him?" Felix asked, looking disgusted.

"I have no idea." The Wise One whistled. "I didn't spike his drinks or anything. Not at all. Anyway, you also rejected Number Three, Isaac of Vale."

Isaac didn't even look at Felix, as he ran off the stage, very relieved that it was all over.

"And you picked... Number Two, Piers of Lemuria," said the Wise One.

Piers came onto the stage, fidgeting uncomfortably. This was quite awkward indeed. At that moment, the chains around Felix broke, but he had a feeling it wasn't so that he could make a speedy escape so he settled for getting off the chair and going to stand next to Piers.

"Now pick a location!" the one-eyed rock said cheerfully, three envelopes appearing before him and floating in the air.

"Uh, you pick," Piers mumbled.

Felix took the left one and opened it. "Huh, looks like we're going to Vault."

"I hear they have nice, small closets." The Wise One chuckled.

Felix resisted the urge to cast Odyssey on the Wise One, knowing it would be futile, and dragged the very confused Piers off the stage. He sure was not going to be doing anything with Piers anyway.

The Wise One turned his attention to the audience. "It's time for the break, but we'll be back of course."

A few minutes later, the show had returned. The Wise One greeted the audience. "It's time for a lucky woman to pick from three other women. Now we'll be seeing who the contestants are."

The rock floated to the chair where the first girl was sitting. It just so happened to be Lady McCoy.

"My sweetums would not give me my own castle," Lady McCoy said, sniffing. "I'm going to spite him by pretending to be a lesbian. Maybe that will make him change his mind."

The audience was struck silent. Who the hell was Lady McCoy? Some of them faintly remembered her as some selfish woman who wanted her palace built despite all the trouble going on with Kolima Forest.

"Hey, she wanted to come on!" the Wise One exclaimed, looking at the audience. "Quit being so silent!"

The audience started booing and throwing canned food at the Wise One.

"Ow! Ouch! Hey, quit that!" the Wise One whined, floating across the screen to where the other three girls were. "Now let's say hello to these girls over here. Number One is Feizhi from Xian."

"Derrr..." Feizhi was looking all over the place and her pupils were incredibly dilated. "Ooh, I see a pink elephant." The girl from Xian giggled.

"Um... she's... totally not on drugs. Don't know where you would get that idea," the rock said shiftily. "Now, Number Two is Uzume from Izumo."

"Let me out of here!" Uzume was chained to the chair, just as Felix had been. "Or, I swear, I shall... uh... I don't know." She slumped into the chair and sighed.

"And, finally Number Three... Karst from Prox." The Wise One looked at Karst.

Karst just glared at the Wise One. She had been threatened into doing this and she knew how powerful the Wise One was, so she could hardly argue. It wasn't like she wanted to be turned into a dragon again.

The Wise One returned to Lady McCoy and gave her the card. "Ask these questions, okay?"

"Who do you think you are to order me around?" Lady McCoy said in a snotty manner. "I shall ask whatever I feel like asking, not use some pathetic piece of cardboard to guide me."

The Wise One wanted to throw her through a wall, but he couldn't, so he simply settled for floating away in a sulk.

"Number One," Lady McCoy said snootily, raising her nose. "Do you agree with the cutting down of trees?"

"Ooh... trees..." Feizhi giggled again. "Trees are so tall. I like trees. Climbing up trees is so fun! I wonder if trees can talk? I want to see a talking tree."

"What a silly girl." Ladu McCoy sniffed. "There are no such things as talking trees. What a lot of nonsense. Number Two, how should a husband properly treat his wife?"

"Er..." Uzume blinked. "I guess... he should just not cheat on her?" What a confusing question that was.

Lady McCoy pursed her lips. She had obviously been expecting an answer along the lines of spoiling her rotten. "Very well. Number Three, what would you do for your own palace?"

"Oh please, my own palace?" Karst scoffed. "What would I do with a palace? If I really wanted one, I guess I could just scare people into giving me one, but seriously, why would I want my own palace?"

Lady McCoy reached up and preened her purple hair, looking as snooty as she possibly could. "Number One, if your husband was disobeying you, what would you do?"

Feizhi tilted her head, grinning. "I wish Isaac was my husband. He wouldn't disobey me because he loves me! And I'd have to sick the giant bunnies on him if he did! See, they are right over there." She dissolved into even more giggles.

Lady McCoy raised an eyebrow. "Um. Number Two, do you believe in such silly things like curses?"

"Well..." Uzume bit her bottom lip. "I guess so. I mean, why not?"

"Pfft." Lady McCoy seemed unimpressed yet again. "Number Three, do you believe that men should pander to the needs of their wives?"

The Wise One groaned. It was very clear that Lady McCoy had issues and he was very tempted to beat the crap out of her right now. The audience didn't seem so impressed, as they were muttering among themselves and seemed rather annoyed.

"How pathetic! Women should not have to depend on their husbands to do anything for them!" Karst shouted. "Woman need to be independent and act for themselves! Who needs men?"

Lady McCoy stood up, looking indignant. "This is pathetic. I am not having anything more to do with this lousy excuse for-"

At that moment, several chocolate cakes and berry pies went flying from the audience and landed on top of Lady McCoy, who screamed as her clothes were covered with various fruits as well as chocolate.

"Nooooooo!" Lady McCoy shrieked, running from the stage. "My expensive clothes! Ruined!"

The Wise One sighed and floated over to the other side of the screen, dropping the three envelopes in each girl's lap. "There you go. Take a vacation. I'm never doing something as ridiculous as this again. They can shove political correctness up their asses."

Feizhi tried to eat her envelope.

Uzume, who was now free from the chains, opened hers. "Vacation in Izumo? Is this supposed to be a joke?"

"Hmm?" Karst opened hers. "Huh, a vacation in Vale? Why would I want to go to Vale? Oh, whatever. I just want to leave already."

Uzume and Karst left. Feizhi was too busy wondering why her envelope didn't taste like food.

"Um... well, that's it." The Wise One seemed rather uncomfortable for a one eyed rock." Goodbye." And then the show ended.


	5. Chapter 5

**The Dating Game**

I have returned with another chapter of the dating game, in celebration of Valentine's Day.

Did you know Camelot owns Golden Sun? Well, they do.

---

The sight of so many pink and red hearts stuck onto the walls of the studio were positively repulsive and Alex was amazed he hadn't ended up becoming reacquainted with his breakfast when he saw all those disgusting paper hearts everywhere. Not only that, but streamers were hanging down from the ceiling and there were even a few naked Cupids dangling on string. Apparently, someone had wanted to decorate the studio for Valentine's Day and done a ridiculously tacky job of it in the process. When Alex found out who was behind this travesty, he swore he was going to hunt them down and destroy them painfully. It took all his willpower to not start ripping everything down and stomping on it. The Wise One would probably punish him for it anyway. He really hated being controlled by a powerful one eyed rock, but if he didn't listen, then every bone in his body would probably be broken again.

At least he hadn't been made to wear pink. Alex shuddered at the thought of having to wear pink. He would rather gouge his eyes out with a grapefruit spoon and be slowly dipped into a pit of hydrochloric acid until he died withering in pain than have to wear pink. Pink was much too girly and nobody would take him seriously if he ever wore pink. As the future ruler of the world, Alex felt that everyone should take him seriously and he should never be made a mockery of. He was having a little bit of trouble with this whole ruling the world thing though, since he didn't even know where to start and he had the Wise One to worry about as well. The one eyed rock would never understand that the world was deserving of being controlled by one of the finest gentlemen in Weyard. Alex sometimes had a little problem with being completely delusional.

The cameras had started rolling now. Alex quietly sighed and reluctantly walked onto the stage, sneaking a glance at the audience. To his horror, he saw that most of them were wearing heart shaped badges on their clothes. Apparently whoever had covered the entire stage in garish decorations had thought it would be a good idea to hand out free badges as well. How tacky was that? Alex struggled to compose himself as he held up his papers and started the traditional introduction speech.

Unfortunately for him, a pancake went flying through the air and smacked him in the face. Alex calmly reached up and peeled the pancake off his face, which was now dripping with butter and syrup. The audience laughed, apparently enjoying seeing him in such a state. "Whoever threw that pancake," he said in a deadly calm voice. "I am going to hunt you down to the ends of the earth and make you suffer a slow and painful death." He looked intently at the audience with a murderous stare. Someone in the audience cried for their mommy and ran from the studio, unfortunately so fast that Alex had no time to blast them with an Ice Missile and take them down.

Alex quickly washed his face by summoning a small downpour and sighed exaggeratedly. "Now I presume nobody else is going to throw food?" The audience remained silent. "Good. Now, welcome to the Golden Sun Dating Game. I am sure you know by now that the concept of this show involves getting a person in here and having them pick from a group of three after asking questions. They will not know who they are picking because of our sophisticated system. That's all you need to know."

"Alex!" A blonde girl in the audience stood up, screaming at him. "I love you, Alex!" She lifted up her top and gave Alex a view he had not been interested in seeing in the least. Alex hissed through his teeth and turned away, wondering just where these people had crawled out from. "I want to marry you and bear your children!" the girl was still screaming, until someone forced her to sit down in her seat and stop yelling, as she was annoying the rest of the audience.

Alex wished the floor would open up and swallow him whole. Sadly for him, it didn't, so he had to go on with the show. He reluctantly approached the chair where the female contestant was sitting. "And you are?"

"I'm Jill," replied the girl chirpily. "And I love to eat persimmons. Aren't persimmons just so awesome?" She promptly pulled a persimmon out of her pocket and started eating it.

Alex slowly blinked. "Uh. Okay then." He hastily gave her the question card and made his way past the screen to the waiting male contestants.

In the first chair was a man with turquoise hair swigging from a large bottle. He blearily looked at Alex. "Piers? Is that you?" The man let out a loud hiccup as he finished speaking.

Alex frowned. "Do I look that much like Piers?" In his opinion, he looked nothing like Piers. In fact, he was so much prettier than Piers. That was what Alex thought. That amateurish Lemurian could never compare to him. Of course, Alex completely ignored the fact that Piers had fangirls unlike him.

"Eh?" The man tilted his head, swaying unsteadily in the chair and almost falling out in the process. "Oh... isn't that you, Edith?"

Who the hell was this Edith? Did she have a deep voice for that matter? This man was clearly drunk. Judging by his hair, he was most likely a Lemurian. "Just who are you?" Alex asked.

"I'm... Piers's uncle. Do you know Piers?" He promptly hiccuped and took another swig from the bottle.

Alex sighed and moved on to the next chair, shaking his head. He never knew Piers's uncle was an alcoholic, though he had heard the rumours of bottles lying around his house. Maybe it was true after all. Piers's uncle was an extremely lazy alcoholic.

In the next chair was Sean. Alex always wondered how it could be possible he had blue hair when he apparently wasn't even an Adept. Shouldn't blue hair be a privilege for Mercury Adepts only? The Imilian suspected that Sean actually dyed his hair.

"I want to switch chairs," Sean complained. "That guy's breath really stinks." He grimaced, glancing at Piers's uncle who was now muttering about boobies.

Alex honestly didn't give a damn about Sean's predicament. "Just introduce yourself to the audience," he ordered. He really despised this guy. There was no way his hair was naturally blue. He had to be a faker! It was so obviously hair dye. One day, he was going to expose him. Alex considered sneaking into his house one day and searching for his bottles of hair dye. Then it occurred to him that he didn't even know where Sean lived. Well, so much for that plan. Maybe he could just torture him into confessing.

"My name is Sean," the dark blue haired man responded. "I am glad to be on this show. It's a real honour and I'm hoping to go home with the girl of my dreams."

"I asked you to introduce yourself, not make a speech," Alex muttered in annoyance, moving on to the third chair where a dark haired man was sitting. "Alright, introduction please."

"I am the blacksmith of Yallam," the man in the chair announced, puffing out his chest proudly. "My name is Sunshine."

"Uh... I'm sorry?" Alex choked out. "What did you say your name was?"

"It's Sunshine," said the blacksmith haughtily.

The audience suddenly erupted in fits of laughter. Alex put a hand over his mouth and struggled to hold back the laughter welling up in his chest. He simply could not believe how ridiculous this was. How could it be possible there was a man named Sunshine? "Wow," he spoke once he had recovered. The audience was still snickering however and whispering derisive comments. "Your parents must have really hated you. I bet you got beaten up all the time when you were young."

"Hey, don't make fun of my name!" Sunshine looked angry.

The audience decided this would be a good time to burst into song for some reason and coincidentally, they all chose to sing the same one. "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine," they all sang out loud. "You make me happy when skies are grey..."

Alex gritted his teeth, wishing that he had some earplugs on hand. It was fun to see a guy with a ridiculous name like Sunshine getting teased but listening to the audience sing like that was pretty annoying. "Alright, that's enough already!" he snapped as the audience finished singing the first verse. Mercifully, they stopped. Alex exhaled heavily and turned his attention back to Sunshine. "So what kinds of drugs were your parents taking to come up with a name like that? Were they hippies by any chance?"

Sunshine was starting to turn red in the face with rage. "Stop it!" he screamed angrily. "Or I'll kill you all, I swear to some random Weyardian deity!"

"Oh, calm down," Alex muttered, turning away and shaking his head. He approached the screen, looking past it to where Jill sat. "You can start now."

Jill glanced down at her card. "Number One. Your house is on fire, what do you grab as you run out?"

There was a long silence. Piers's uncle took a swig from his bottle. The audience started to mutter impatiently.

Finally, it occurred to Alex that maybe Piers's uncle was so drunk, he didn't realise he was Number One. He groaned and stomped over to the Lemurian's chair. "Hey, you! Answer the question already!"

"Hmm? Are you saying I'm the one whose house is on fire?" Piers's uncle looked at him blearily. "Oh no! All my bottles of fine wine and champagne and the beer and lager and rum and whisky... it's all going to be gone!" He started to sob hysterically. "I never even got to drink it all!"

"So am I correct in assuming that's what you would have taken out of your house?" Alex asked, a vein pulsing in his forehead. He had to resist the urge to harm the guy, the Wise One wouldn't be terribly happy with him for attacking the contestants.

"I'd better go and..." the Lemurian stood unsteadily, swaying on his feet. "Where's my house again?"

"Sit down!" Alex snapped, shoving him back into his chair. "Geez." He approached the screen. "Okay, get back to the questioning," he called out.

Jill seemed quite a bit confused at this point and had an eyebrow raised. "Um, right." She hastily composed herself and turned her attention back to the card in her hands. "Uh... okay. Number Two, what have you always wanted to do, but haven't yet?"

"Fight in Colosso," Sean said dismally. "Since that Babi dude died, they haven't bothered to put any on lately. It's so unfair."

"Oh, that's a shame," Jill said sympathetically. "Alright then, Number Three. A kid comes up to you and kicks you in the shin, what do you do?"

Sunshine looked down at his feet with a moody expression, clenching his fists. "You know, when I was a kid, nobody treated me with any respect at all just because my name was Sunshine. They thought it was okay to pick on me because of my name and it wasn't even my fault. They just went around kicking me and stuff and my life was terrible." His eyes burned with anger. "I hate them all!" He proceeded to release a steam of rude words that the censor mercifully bleeped out.

Jill shrank back in her seat in consternation, put off by Sunshine's angry ranting. He indeed sounded very angry and she didn't want to know what he would do to that kid. "Alright then, Number One. A cashier gives you too much money back. What do you do?"

"Is it a female cashier?" Piers's uncle slurred. "I bet she fancies me. Maybe she'll even show me her boobies. Heh heh."

Alex grimaced in disgust. Even the audience was muttering angrily, not impressed by the words of a drunken lout.

Jill swallowed heavily, starting to feel very nervous at this point. Were all these people completely crazy? She was beginning to wish she hadn't bothered coming onto this show. What had she been thinking? "Number Two," she spoke hesitantly. "What was the weirdest question somebody has asked you and how did you respond to it?"

"Well, believe it or not, someone once asked me if I was a Mercury Adept." Sean laughed lightly. "I think Isaac and his friends were Adepts, right? Not quite sure what a Mercury Adept is supposed to be, but I'm pretty sure I'm not one. My hair's just naturally blue, that's all. Really."

"Yeah, sure," Alex muttered, throwing Sean a suspicious glance. He was so going to expose his deep, dark secrets someday. That poser totally deserved it.

Jill was confused again, since she didn't really even know what Adepts were in the first place. That did sound like a very weird question, so he had at least answered her question. "Number Three..." She really didn't want to keep questioning that scary man, but it wasn't like she had a choice. "What are some nicknames that you've had?"

"Nicknames? You're asking me about nicknames?" Sunshine yelled, waving his fists in the air. "Nobody ever cared about giving me nicknames in the first place. They were always hung up on the fact I was named Sunshine and endlessly teasing me about it. It was just so unfair, I tell you! Why did I have to be given such a terrible name? I hate my parents so much!"

Alex sighed deeply and rubbed his forehead. Sunshine's whining was really starting to get on his nerves.

Jill trembled in her chair and swallowed heavily, steeling herself. Just one more set of questions and this would be over, then she could go out and eat a lot of persimmons. "Number One," she said shakily. "Is the glass half-empty or half-full?"

"My bottle is empty!" Piers's uncle wailed, waving the empty bottle around. He hiccuped loudly and sniffled. "Has anybody got another drink?"

Some people in the audience hurled bottles of water at him.

Piers's uncle winced as the bottles hit him. "Ow! What are you doing? Water... that's not even alcoholic." He pouted.

"Unbelievable." Alex sighed again. How much had that man drank already? It certainly seemed like he'd had a lot of alcohol before he got here. At least his bottle was empty, which the Mercurian was quite glad about.

"Number Two, how do you impress a date's parents or friends?" asked Jill.

"I would take them out to where there are monsters and show them how great I am at fighting monsters," Sean replied. "I would make sure they didn't get hurt or anything. Nobody would have to be worried around me." He quietly added, "Unless a Kraken shows up..."

Jill was glad this was the last question to ask. "Number Three, what is one word that describes your life?"

"Miserable," Sunshine declared. "Utterly miserable. My whole life I was persecuted for something my parents did to me. Even now, people still take pleasure in making fun of me." He clenched a fist. "They will pay," he muttered ominously under his breath. "They will all pay."

It was finally time for the girl to pick the guy and Alex was so glad this ridiculous farce was almost over. He was just about to walk past the screen to Jill's side of the stage when he heard a loud thud from behind him and turned around to see Piers's uncle passed out on the floor, a trail of drool coming from his mouth. The Imilian gave him a withering look and headed over to Jill. "It's time to to pick somebody," Alex stated. "Go on."

"Alright..." Jill took a deep breath. She wasn't going to pick Number One, who was apparently a deranged alcoholic, and she most definitely wasn't going to pick the scary man who was Number Three either. "I choose Number Two."

Alex walked to the other side of the stage and came back, dragging Piers's uncle with him. "You rejected Number One, some pathetic drunken bum from Lemuria." He kicked the unconscious drunk into the audience. "You also rejected Number Three, Sunlight... I mean, Sunbeam... no, wait, Sunshine of Yallam."

"I heard that, you wretched bastard!" Sunshine screamed, getting up from his chair and charging at Alex with rage in his eyes. "You're going to pay!"

Alex promptly raised a hand and flung an Ice Missile into Sunshine's eyes. The blacksmith screamed in agony and stumbled around, clawing at his eyes. He toppled off the stage and landed with a loud crash.

"And you picked..." Alex pushed the lever and the screen came down. "Number Two, Sean, of... er, somewhere. I don't know where."

Sean came walking over to the other side of the stage. Jill got up from the chair and approached him.

"Hello, my name is Jill," said Jill chirpily. "Do you like persimmons?"

"Uh... I've never eaten any," Sean replied.

"Now pick a location." Alex held out three envelopes to them.

"You go ahead," Sean offered to Jill, who eagerly pulled out an envelope and opened it, extracting the card inside.

"Ooh, Kolima? That's great. We can go to the forest and look for persimmon trees!" Jill said happily.

"Uh... sure." Sean regarded her with an odd look. She grabbed his hand and they went off the stage.

"Thank goodness that's over." Alex wiped his brow. He turned his attention to the audience. "We'll be back after the break." The Mercury Adept hurried off the stage, wishing that the break could last forever. Why couldn't he simply warp out and escape this hell? Of course, he knew better than to try it, because the Wise One would surely find him. That would be a lot more painful than suffering through the rest of this episode.

The break was soon over, but not soon enough for Alex, who returned to the stage with a grumpy expression. He hated this job so much. "Welcome back. Now we're going to see who the lucky guy is and the girls he'll be asking questions to," Alex said, putting on a fake smile. He was pretty good at fake smiling. Having lots of practice really helped.

Saturos was sitting in the chair. Some girls in the audience screamed. For a moment, Alex thought they were screaming in fear, but when he heard shouts of "You're so hot, Saturos!" "We love you, Satty!" and even saw people waving banners (just where had they got those banners from?) he realised that wasn't the case at all.

"What the?" Alex asked in disbelief. "Come on, he's got freaky red eyes and scales and pointy ears!"

"You're just jealous," Saturos sneered at the Mercurian. "I'm hot and they know it. Oh yeah."

"How could I be jealous with my perfect hair? I bet I have fangirls as well! Maybe even more than you!" Alex stomped to the stage. "Alright, girls, who thinks I'm hot?"

"Boo!" The audience threw pots of cacti at Alex. The unfortunate Mercurian wasn't quick enough to dodge the flying cacti that came from all directions and screamed in pain as he found himself bombarded by cactus needles and hit by heavy pots.

Saturos snickered. "Serves you right."

Alex gritted his teeth and staggered toward the chair, producing the questions card and handing it to Saturos. He really didn't feel like exchanging any further words with him right now. Alex then stomped past the screen to the three female contestants.

"Introduction please," Alex said curtly as he reached the first chair.

"My name is Dora and I'm from Vale," said the woman sitting in the chair.

"Hold on... Dora?" Alex choked out. "Aren't you that little bas... I mean, Isaac's mother? Don't you have a husband?"

"Oh, it's just for fun," Dora assured him. "I might be able to win some money and we could use a bit of money at home. Besides, I promised Kyle that if I was picked, I wouldn't have sex with whoever chose me, so he's okay with it."

Alex really had not needed to know that last part. He grimaced and moved on to the next chair, then stopped. "You? Why are you here?"

Sheba shot him a nasty look. "Is there any reason why I shouldn't be? I haven't even had a chance to appear on the show yet."

"I wonder why," Alex said sarcastically. "Are you trying to get some poor innocent sod sent to jail?"

Sheba just glared at him. "You are a jerk. Maybe I'm looking to hook the man of my dreams."

"Don't you mean the boy of your dreams?" Alex retorted. She was only what, fourteen years old? Who had let her on here in the first place? "Why don't you come back when you actually have boobs?"

"You are an ageist asshole!" Sheba jumped out of her chair. A moment later, she had cast Spark Plasma and was thoroughly enjoying deep frying Alex, who screamed in pain. "And I am actually starting to develop breasts, thank you!"

"Thanks for the information. I really needed that." Yet more sarcasm. Alex winced and got back to his feet, making a mental note not to annoy Sheba any more. "Just introduce yourself to the audience."

"I am Sheba, the Holy Child of Lalivero." Sheba stuck her nose in the air and sat back in her chair.

Was the Holy Child part really necessary? Alex found it ironic that she was getting annoyed about the age comments and still calling herself a Holy Child. He limped over to the third chair where Menardi was sitting.

Alex was tempted to make a comment about this being a freakshow, but he knew better than to bring up the subject of looking like a freak around Menardi. Saturos wouldn't rise to the bait. Menardi, on the other hand... well, he would be regretting it very quickly.

Menardi was smirking, probably because she had seen him be flash fried by an irritating Jupiter Adept. Alex scowled back at her. "Introduce yourself to the audience," he spoke through gritted teeth.

"Menardi of Prox," Menardi stated in a bored tone. "Can we get on with this already? I just want to meet the man of my dreams. I hope he's hot and dreamy." She sighed.

It sounded like she didn't have any idea who was on the other side of the screen. Alex wasn't going to bother telling her anyway. He walked back to Saturos's side. "You can ask questions now."

"Number One, how many people have you done it with?" Saturos raised an eyebrow. What was up with these questions?

"Oh my!" Dora exclaimed. "I really have to answer that? Well, I lost my virginity to my husband and I really was faithful to him, but then I thought he died and I was going around looking for the perfect man. I didn't want to be a lonely widow. I must have slept with about half of the men in Vale before I realised nobody was ever going to be as good as Kyle. At least he came back."

Saturos, Alex, the audience, Sheba and Menardi all seemed utterly disgusted. The audience began loudly complaining, unhappy with the return of the absurd questions that they didn't want to hear let alone know the answers to.

Saturos sighed. "Right... Number Two, what is your bra size?"

Sheba went bright red and bit her bottom lip. She stared at her feet until the audience began yelling at her to answer already. "It's AAA," she said shamefully, as if having the smallest bra size was something to be ashamed of.

"She actually wears a bra?" Alex muttered to himself disbelievingly.

"Okay, Number Three," Saturos spoke, "what is your favourite condom flavour?"

"They have flavoured condoms?" Menardi exclaimed, looking surprised. "Uh... well, I like things spicy. Spicy is nice. Do they have spicy condoms? I wonder what that would be like."

Saturos slowly blinked. The idea of flavoured condoms was bizarre enough, but she wanted them spicy? The sex would never get anywhere if she was constantly having to drink from a glass of water. How did that make any sense? He turned his attention back to the card. "Number One, would you streak through your village for 100,000 gold?"

Several kids in the audience promptly asked what streaking was, horrifying their parents.

"I would happily run naked anywhere for money," Dora said. "We really could do with some money. I wonder if anyone would pay me to take my clothes off and run around."

"Someone's desperate for money," Alex murmured, forcing the bile back down his throat. He really wanted to quit this job. This stupid show was mentally scarring and incredibly disturbing.

"Good grief." Saturos massaged his forehead. "Number Two, how many times have you had sex?" Seriously, who would count the number of times they had sex? These questions were just ridiculous.

"Zero." Sheba folded her arms and sat back in her chair, looking annoyed. She hated these dumb questions.

Alex silently thanked the gods that she had said zero. He might just have committed suicide right there and then out of despair had it even been one number higher. Hey, at least it would be one way to escape this pathetic existence where he was forced to host a dumb gameshow. Alex withdrew a notebook from his pocket and flipped it open to a page titled "Ways to escape hosting The Dating Game" and took out a pen, writing something down on the page.

Saturos was growing quite suspicious of Number Two. She'd never had sex and had a tiny bra size? The word "trap" was flashing in his mind. "Number Three, would you have sex in public?"

"Geez, what is with all these sex questions?" Menardi snapped. "Is someone completely obsessed with the subject of sex? Why can't we get some normal questions once in a while? And the answer is no. Why would anyone do something so stupid?" She was having a hard time not snapping and setting something on fire at this point.

It sounded like she had a bit of a temper. Saturos wasn't too worried, seeing as he knew a lot of people with bad tempers and had one himself. A lot of Proxians were really bad at keeping their temper in check. It was probably something to do with being a Mars Adept.

"Number One, have you ever contracted an STI?" Saturos grimaced. If Number One responded in the affirmative, he was most definitely not going to pick her.

"Oh, I've had a few no thanks to sleeping with all those men," Dora said. "Let's see, I've had chlamydia and-"

"He didn't ask which ones!" Alex yelled past the screen. "Just a yes or a no would do!"

"Okay, yes," Dora said huffily, looking annoyed. Was it really so bad to answer questions thoroughly?

The audience quietly cheered and clapped, thanking Alex for interrupting Dora.

Saturos was sure he had a migraine coming on. "Number Two, we're on a date and you get to choose the wine. What type of wine do you go for?"

Sheba looked completely blank. She had never even drank alcohol. "Uh... I really don't drink wine," she admitted.

Either she was underage or she honestly didn't like to drink alcohol. Saturos was suspecting the former. What kind of person would let an underage person on this show anyway? He couldn't believe the number of children in the audience either. Why would anyone subject their innocent children to this crap?

"Alright, Number Three." Saturos took a deep breath and slowly exhaled, glad this was the last question. "If I ask you to wear a special outfit for me, what type of outfit would you pick?"

"I bet I would look great in any outfit." Menardi twiddled her hair thoughtfully. "How about a maid outfit? I would look so adorable!"

Alex slowly blinked, imagining Menardi in a maid outfit. He didn't think anyone with red eyes, pointy ears and freaky scales could possibly look adorable. Then he realised the questions were over and almost let out a cry of relief. "Okay, you can pick one now," he said to Saturos.

"Gladly." Saturos was quite sure he didn't want Number One, who shouldn't even have been on a dating game in the first place if she was married, or Number Two, who sounded suspiciously young. "I pick Number Three."

"You rejected Number One, Dora of Vale."

Dora came to the other side of the stage and momentarily recoiled at the sight of Saturos. Maybe it was just as well she had lost, she didn't think she wanted to date a man with red eyes. She nodded her head at him and hurriedly rushed off the stage.

"You also rejected Number Two, Sheba of Lalivero."

Saturos stared in disbelief as Sheba came round the screen. He was right about the underage thing after all. Thank goodness he hadn't picked her. He would rather die than date a fourteen year old girl.

Sheba left the stage, looking very annoyed. She had been utterly humiliated up there.

"And you picked Number Three..." Alex pushed the lever and the screen came down. "Menardi of Prox."

Menardi walked across the stage and stared at Saturos. "I didn't know you were entering this piece of crap show."

"Likewise," Saturos replied. "Surely we have better things to do than waste our time on this rubbish?"

"Yeah. Why do we even bother?" Menardi shook her head.

"Probably because that evil rock will punish us if we don't sign up," Saturos guessed. "Why he still continues to keep this show going, I really have no idea."

"Because he's an evil, sadistic rock who likes nothing more than to torture people," Alex grumbled, holding out three envelopes. "Pick one."

Saturos took one of the envelopes and opened it. "Looks like we're going to Mikasalla. Isn't that like the most boring place on Weyard or something?"

"Oh man. I'll get so bored I'll end up setting fire to people!" Menardi complained. "Let's pick a different envelope instead."

"But that's against the r-" Alex was immediately engulfed by a column of flames and fell over onto his back, utterly barbecued. He was powerless to stop Saturos and Menardi prying the envelopes from his twitching hand.

"What's this one?" Menardi ripped open the envelope. "Ugh. Suhalla. Another totally boring place."

"This one had better not be boring." Saturos opened the third envelope. "Ooh, Tolbi. I like Tolbi. Let's go there and play with the Lucky Medal Fountain!"

"Yay! I like the Lucky Medal Fountain!" Menardi cheered.

As Saturos and Menardi skipped off the stage, Alex lay still, moaning in pain. "Lousy cheaters." He struggled to his feet a minute later and grimaced. "Well, that's all for today. I am so out of here." The hapless Mercury Adept limped away and the episode came to its end.


End file.
